


Mittelkinder

by GoldStarGrl



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Ableism, Epistolary Format, Gen, M/M, Minor Character Death, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-03-29 17:42:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 22,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13932069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldStarGrl/pseuds/GoldStarGrl
Summary: When San Francisco is destroyed, Hermann is sent to Lima and Karla is sent to Shanghai.The two Gottlieb middle children spend the next ten years emailing their lives to one another – the daily annoyances, the end of the world, and Hermann’s refusal to admit he’s in love with his lab partner.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Mittelkinder means "middle children" in German. Although, literally, it means "central children" which is what Hermann and Karla are in my heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The link in the text is to geniusbee's gorgeous Karla & Hermann comic that inspired this story.

**September 3rd, 2013**

H,

I hope this gets to you fast. I don’t know if any nonessential internet access is set up at your base yet. I don’t even know which base you’re on. The phone grid for the entire West Coast are still down, obviously, or I would’ve called your mobile.

For a second every morning, right after I wake up (but before my personality joins me), I forget what’s happened.

The sheets feel the same on my skin as they did before, the light comes through the window the same way it always has. And then I look over to see my phone buzzing, little red emergency alerts coming so fast they’re pushing each other off the screen. I sit up in bed and look out across the San Francisco Bay, the way I have every morning for three years, and the view is different. Destroyed.

Soon I’m not even going to have the familiarity of my bedroom. Father is heading a team that needs translators, and why hire two separate German and Chinese interpreters when he can get it all in one adorable package? (On the off chance someone who only speaks Welsh comes along, I can handle that too). I’m leaving for Shanghai on Monday, so maybe it’s best if you don’t receive this until after I’ve taken a fraught trip across the Pacific.

Love you for always, little one,

K

 

**September 10th, 2013**

Karla,

I've been sent to Lima, and I received your email approximately six days after you sent it. If I had been given more notice, I would have tracked your plane until it arrived safely in China. That being said, I’m relieved to note you're on the ground and over the ocean without incident.

This is the first time I’ve had a moment to write in days. I’m sure you’ve heard, and repeated in countless languages, Father’s plans for defense. The machines he is proposing we build to fight against those…

Do they have a name, yet? A universal one? Come to think of it, do we as an organization? I’ve been chained to my blackboard and haven’t been watching the cultural shift. You’ve always been the one who could match labels to their concepts.

There is coding to be done. An almost _unimaginable_ amount of coding.

Please do not call me “little one”. This is a government email account, and regardless, you’re the smallest in the entire family.

Sincerely,

Dr. Hermann Gottlieb

 

**September 24th, 2013**

H,

The smallest physically, sure, but that’s merely a cruel trick of biology. As long as I live you (and Bastien!) will always be _mein kleiner bruders._

The general public seem to have settled on _kaiju_ , for the monsters that have reared their great and terrible heads outside of Manila and Cabo. It’s from the Japanese word for “strange beast”. I’m not crazy about it, personally, but what is one linguist to do against an entire world of news media? Once they sink their teeth into a phrase they like, there’s no point in trying to get them to let it go.  

I sat in an interminable meeting today, helping the someone from the China National Space Administration argue with Father about the timeline for the Mach-Is. Dr. Chen doesn’t think your team is going fast enough, and Father, to his credit, came to your defense.

Is it warm in Lima? It’s humid and raining like a bitch here. (I heard you can get kicked off your PPDC computer if you swear. I’m conducting an experiment.) I’ve taken up residence at a tiny room on the base, even though apartments in Shanghai are becoming _insanely_ cheap. No one wants to live on the coast anymore. But I get to sleep much later than I would if I had to commute.

Love you lots,

Karla Gottlieb, M.A. (seriously, who ends emails to their siblings like that? You need to calm down.)

 

**September 27th, 2013**

Karla,

Your email access gets temporarily revoked if you use obscene language. It’s already happened to one of my colleagues four times. (He’s a xenobiologist living in Massachusetts. Americans struggle to tamp down their cursing.)

I find it unlikely Father said anything in support of slowing down production. The Mach-Is - which we’ve nicknamed Jaegers, in homage to the language so many of us call our mother tongue – are mechanically fraught. Dr. Lightcap is especially concerned about the strength of their radiation shields. The men and women who will pilot these machines will already be putting their lives on the line without us adding to their peril by neglecting safety for the sake of expediency.

Yet, simultaneously, I am aware that the longer it takes us to do this, the more people are going to die.

I lied about my age to one of my engineers yesterday. Twenty-four suddenly seemed so pitifully young and guileless.

I’ve been assigned the bedroom closest to the lab. Ostensibly, it’s because I need to be close by to supervise all tests and recalibration of the Jaegers, but anyone can see it’s twice the size of all the other sleep quarters.

What do you think is worse, everyone thinking I’m receiving special treatment because Father is running the program or everyone thinking I’m receiving special treatment because I’m an invalid? I find myself going back and forth.

Hermann (there, satisfied?)

 

**October 1st, 2013**

H,

Father’s exact words were “the most qualified minds in the field are working as expediently as possible”. This is the Lars Gottlieb equivalent of giving you a hug. You know this. Accept it. Feel its warmth.

I love _jaeger._ I love it. It's the perfect name and I am spreading it everywhere before the PR team calls them something dumb like Robots of Life.

Has anyone actually given you shit about your room or are you being dramatic?

K

 

**October 6th, 2013**

Karla,

I am not _dramatic._

Hermann

 

**October 6th, 2013**

H,

You are the most dramatic person I’ve ever met, and I went to a liberal arts university. (The amount of one-man shows I have sat through, little one. That should’ve been my sign there was no God, long before the Kaiju showed up.)

In the unlikely event you are being bullied, I will take the twenty-three hour flight to Lima and personally kick the asses of everyone involved. In the much more likely event you are emotionally spiralling due to lack of sleep: Get a big glass of water. Drink the entire thing and then get another one. You can do this.

K

 

**October 19th, 2013**

Karla,

You sound like Dr. Geiszler (the xenobiologist from Massachusetts). You both think all we need is a can-do attitude and that will somehow supercede the constraints of time. (He is an atheist as well. Perhaps I should give you his number?)

I’ve begun to work on a side project, an algorithm to track when and where the Kaiju will surface next. I haven’t had a chance to test it’s accuracy yet, obviously, but I do caution you and everyone else at the Shanghai Shatterdome to be extra strident with your security measures on January 24th.

And I never said I was being bullied. I said I lied about my age.

Hermann

 

 **November 1st, 2013**  

H,

The Shanghai _what?_ I’m sorry, please tell me you just made that word up. Please tell me that the PPDC has not decided to name the most important series of military bases in human history _Shatterdomes._ I cannot live in a place called a _Shatterdome_. I’m not a YA heroine! Jesus wept!

It’s a good thing I found a great dive a few miles inland to help me deal with unpleasant information like this. The Chinese make surprisingly great beer (and the bartender, Jin, is six-four and bilingual, so save your Dr. Gieszler for some less lucky girl.)

I’ll pass your calculations along to Father and to some of the other top brass I interpret for. The PLA recently built a second Kaiju shelter under the city, and we can coordinate with them to run a citywide drill that day. If you’re right, we will have protected the majority of civilians, and if you’re not… well, it’s good practice for when you’re right.

Maybe I shouldn’t have used the word _bullied._ It’s just that I know you. These situations, with so many people, so much confrontation, can kind of make you freeze up. Remember when Mama and Father sent you to school in London? You didn’t think you’d settle in there either, and then you met Vanessa, and you two are still obsessed with each other. [You’re going to find your people at your stupidly named workplace, too.](http://geniusbee.tumblr.com/post/118076702597/now-that-shatterdome-seattle-is-over-it-was-super)

K

 

**November 13th, 2013**

Karla,

I’m not ten years old anymore. This isn’t a matter of joining the astronomy club. I don’t need to make friends, I just need everyone to do their jobs, and it’s challenging to maintain authority when…

It’s just challenging.

Thank you for organizing precautionary measures. I’ll breathe easier knowing the city is prepared for the worst.

Do not quote me on this, but our Jaeger pilots are conducting their final tests off the coast of Peru this weekend. You may have another line of protection at the ready.

And Vanessa and I are not _obsessed with each other_. We're best friends. A concept you might be more familiar with if you weren't constantly shouting about linguistic choices you disagree with.

Hermann

 

**November 19th, 2013**

H,

Oh screw you, drama queen. 

K

P.S. I saw your Geiszler do an analysis on Kaiju biology on TV last night. _Newton Geiszler?_ And I thought your name was tough. He’s super cute though. _Blanketed_ in freckles.

 

**December 4th, 2013**

Karla,

He is not _my_ anything. Why do you insist on hyperbole in regards to all my relationships?

Hermann

 

**December 5th, 2013**

H,

Because it bothers you and I have to find my joy where I can. Happy last night of Chanukah, by the way. I am poor and there's a war so I didn't send any of you guys presents. Can I interest you in a poem? I wrote it on a napkin from my take-out. I found four rhymes for kaiju. And you're the alleged genius of the family.

K

 

**December 24th, 2013**

Karla,

No.

Hermann

 

**January 16th, 2014**

H,

Okay, so previously the proudest I’ve ever been of you was the night you and I beat Dietrich and Bastien at beer pong after Tante Mona’s wedding, and you claimed it was because you understood the angles and mathematics needed to make every shot.

Sitting in the shitty little bar with twenty other PPDC employees, watching those Jaegers kicking kaiju ass on TV, definitely beats that.

“That’s my _dìdì!”_ I screamed at Jin, shaking his arm over the counter and knocking three glasses onto the ground at his feet. I did not give a single shit. Then, of course, I had to relent that you weren’t piloting it, but you did build it, which Jin agreed is arguably more impressive. He’s a good egg. 

So, inquiring minds – and I do include everyone we ever went to school with, Mama, D & B, and some lab tech who claims he dated you at TU – want to know:

What was it like? Watching this massive, incredible thing you made save an entire city?

(Even if it wasn't the city you expected. Hey, Seoul isn't that far from Shanghai, relatively speaking. The math is almost there.)

Love you so much little one,

K

P.S. I swore so much in this email don’t be offended it I can’t reply for a month. _C’est la vie_ when you refuse to comply with meaningless censorship. FUCK YOU, BUREAUCRATS! MY BROTHER JUST SAVED YOUR ASSES!

 

**January 17th, 2014**

Karla,

I threw up in the wastebin under my desk.

Hermann

 

**February 16th, 2014**

H,

That’s my boy.

K


	2. Chapter 2

**March 20th, 2015**

Dear Karla,

Alan Turing once said “we can only see a short distance ahead, but we can see plenty there that needs to be done”. He was referring to Britain's fight against the Nazis, but I find myself identifying with his sense of confusion: the understanding that so much still needs to be accomplished, but the lacking knowledge of what specific steps are needed to do it.

I cannot get my algorithm to function.

This isn’t something that happens to me. Math is a guidepost, the only language of certainty in existence. Math built the Mach-I Jaegers, and it is building the next generation outside my bedroom as I write this. Math explodes in colors and shapes when I see it on my blackboard or in lines on a computer monitor. It has never let me down.

And now it’s not working.

I predicted an attack on Fiji, and instead California was hit again. I can’t even get the right side of the ocean, and there are only two options!

Dr. Geiszler sent me several thoughts on how to reconfigure the equation, one of which I actually hadn’t considered. The PPDC moved him to Russia, of all places, and he has expressed frustrations with the lack of fresh kaiju samples he has access to. He put in a request to be sent to Lima, I assume for purposes of being the first to analyze the kaiju that have fallen in the West.

Or perhaps it is to replace me, as even biology professors excel at math more than I do.

I hope you and Jin are well. If you never hear from me again it is because I’ve smashed my head through a chalkboard.

Hermann

 

**April 9th, 2015**

H,

I assume you’re speaking literally rather than metaphorically (because face it, when have you ever chosen the latter). You have synesthesia? I do too! But with words. Your name hangs blue in the air when I say it out loud. How have we never talked about this?

I wonder if that’s why we excel in our fields. When nothing is as beautiful as an equation or a sentence, why would you devote your life to anything else?

The other night I fell asleep at my desk, and woke up to a frantic video call. It was Toshiko, my officemate Jessica's young daughter. She lives in Kyoto with her grandfather and only speaks Japanese. She was in hysterics.

There had been some kind of accident at home and she couldn’t get in touch with her mother. In the background, I saw an elderly man crumbled on the kitchen floor, chest barely moving. I was groggy, with a stapler imprint on my face. I speak only a handful of sentences in Japanese, but I managed to direct her to call 110, and dug out one of my handheld dictionaries to help her tell the paramedics what happened.

I watched Jessica’s father be resuscitated a thousand miles away. I learned the Japanese word for  _accident_ is  _jiko._

I’m not telling you this story because it makes me look heroic (even though it does). Sometimes we figure things out not because we want to, but because we have no choice. So you’ll figure it out.

The other Dr. G is coming to work with you, real and in person? Finally? Way to bury the lede.

Jin is wonderful, but anxious about keeping up with the bar’s expenses. When he bought it from Mr. Hwong, he didn’t think about how much Kaiju insurance costs. It’s one of those things they didn't teach in business school.

Take heart, little one.

K

 

**April 20th, 2015**

Karla,

I realized in the years Dr. Gieszler and I have known each other, we’ve never spoken on the phone, or by video call. I don’t even know what his voice sounds like. The only video footage I’ve ever seen of him is from his college years, and seeing as how he was only fourteen when he studied at MIT, I doubt it’s an accurate representation of the way he is now.

At least I hope it’s not. That younger version of him was very… energetic.

I’d prefer not to tie synesthesia and intellectual prowess together. The idea that I can only do what I do because of some biological phenomenon is insulting at best. It is merely a part of me, like the color of my eyes or the scars on my leg. They are merely extraneous features of note. They are not defining, not parts that make up a whole. I’m not a gestalt.

Hermann

 

**May 1st, 2015**

H

Wow, you are really nervous about meeting Newton.

Karla

 

**May 3rd, 2015**

Karla,

I implore you to shut up. He hasn't even been approved for transfer yet. This entire conversation could be a moot point.

Hermann

 

**May 16th, 2015**

H,

I’ve been thinking a lot about drift compatibility lately. It tends to come up when the Jaeger Academy is across the street. Sometimes I walk over during my lunch break and watch the cadets spar each other, to test for compatibility. (It’s the only thing I’ve ever used our magic last name for. I feel a little bit guilty, but not enough to stop.)

I saw the most amazing match this afternoon, between two cadets who didn’t even speak the same language. A girl from Canada and another from Indonesia. But then they got on the mat together, and it was like watching two parts of a machine click together and whirl to life for the first time. 

Drift compatibility always seemed like the sort of thing that would only work between twins, but everyday I’m proven wrong in that assumption. Maybe it’s not the chemicals in your brain or having the same kind of DNA. Maybe it’s having memories and emotions that compliment each other, instead of replicate each other. I think about the people I’m closest to, and the ways we are the same and different.

Do you think Jin and I are capable of something like those girls? Do you think you and I are? Optimism and pessimism, right brain and left brain, put together to function as one whole?

Bearing the loads of the other’s memories, even the really bad ones?

I’m rambling, a daydreamer stuck at a desk job. I have a pile of security briefings I need to translate into Chinese before tomorrow and I'd rather jump off the Nanpu Bridge. Tell me about your life, your work, the probability of you going rogue with me to become the best Jaeger pilots on the planet. Vanessa called yesterday and said you haven’t been replying to any of her messages. Did you meet a cute boy and decide to blow off the apocalypse?

Karla

P.S. I think we should name our Jaeger "Berlin Wall", because we're German and you need entire armies to knock us down.

 

**June 1st, 2015**

Dear Karla,

I’m being sent to Tokyo.

A messenger came down to my workspace this morning with the news. A young soldier who looked extremely uncomfortable standing amidst humming computers and the ten-foot-long arm of Coyote Tango, which a team has been trying to fix since it start short-circuiting last month.

She dodged the sparks coming out of the shoulder, and told me I’m being sent to a city famous for its cramped buildings with roughly fifty flights of stairs, all ascending at ninety degree angles, where they speak a language I know exactly four words of.

(I may have extrapolated the specifics.)

I understand that every choice the PPDC makes is in the interest of the greater good. It’s my duty to report wherever I’m needed most, and if my algorithm is to be believed (although that certainty might never come), Tokyo has an increased risk of kaiju attack in the next eighteen months.

Everything is foul.

Yours,

Hermann

P.S. We cannot name our hypothetical Jaeger "Berlin Wall". So many people will find it offensive.

 

**June 3rd, 2015**

H,

Tokyo is a cool place, a lot of shopping and good food. At least it can be if you’re set up the right way.

Why the concern with the stairs? Are you back in your wheelchair?

I’m interpreting at Father’s press conference this afternoon, I’ll take him aside and make sure you’re housed somewhere near the ramps. All the Shatterdomes _must_ have ramps, right? With all the equipment being loaded in and out?

K

 

**June 5th, 2015**

Karla,

No, I’m not using that infernal chair again. That happened once, because I neglected to attend physical therapy for eight months. Forgive me, I was distracted by enormous monsters bursting out of the Pacific Ocean. Do not say one word to Father.

I just don’t want to go. I’ve grown accustomed to life in Lima, and with all the technological advancements in communication, I fail to understand why I can’t continue my work from here and send the findings to the Japanese officials. Email is a remarkable thing.

Hermann

 

**June 9th, 2015**

H,

You know, one of the perks of working in the executive offices means I have pretty easy access to the transfer records of pilots, soldiers, and science personel.

I’m sorry you and Dr. Geiszler are going to miss each other.

And by only two days? That’s total bull. 

K

P.S. I know you're not in the celebratory mood, but happy birthday anyway, little one. I hope twenty-six is better to you than twenty-five was.

 

**June 9th, 2015**

Karla,

It is what it is.

All the way across the ocean, I can physically _feel_ you wanting to run to Father. I thank you for resisting the urge. It is embarrassing to mope over a work reassignment, but it is downright humiliating to have your big sister ask if it can be deferred so you can meet your penpal.

In my attempt to clear debris from my quarters before packing, and because it is my birthday and I didn't even get _cake_ , I've made a sizable dent in my alcohol reserve. I’ll say this only because I’ve had a bottle of wine and ¾ of a sherry: we both know making friends has never been my strongest suit. I have you and I have Vanessa. That is the end of the list. I don’t pity myself for this and I don’t want you to either. Most of the time I’m very happy in my solitude.

It’s only that I wanted to meet Newton. I wanted to meet him a lot.

I’m going to finish packing before I become so tipsy I can’t tape up the boxes. The bright side of this ordeal is that we will soon only live three hours away from each other–perhaps I can come to Jin’s bar?

I love you,

Hermann


	3. Chapter 3

**October 19th, 2015**

H,

Three Things:

1\. The Mach-IIs look _incredible_. Cherno Alpha did a demo in the harbor today, and almost fifty thousand people showed up to watch. It’s being moved to Vladivostok next week, but Father thought it might be good for morale for it put on a show. It was. People lost their shit. 

2\. Jin and I moved in together. It’s annoying in regards to commuting, as in I have a commute now. In every other regard, it’s great. The bathroom in his apartment is shockingly clean. He says I just have extremely low standards from growing up with three brothers.

3\. Lastly, and most notably, in order to transport Cherno Alpha from South America to Asia seamlessly as possible, a portion of the J-Tech/K-Science team from Lima travelled with it. This group included a certain xenobiologist.

Father went down to greet the Lima team at the helipad, and I joined him to translate his remarks into English. You know how impossible his accent can be for non-Germans. Halfway through my spiel, under the wind and the roar of machinery, I hear:  _“Bayern sind so unmöglich zu verstehen, dass wir Übersetzer brauchen?”_

It turns out your Dr. Geiszler isn’t American after all. At least not by birth. He’s one to talk about being understood, when he speaks German with the most atrocious Berliner accent in existence. It gave me a rash.

He saw my ID badge pinned to my jacket and tilted his head like a puppy. “Are you related to Dr. Gottlieb?” he asked. It was adorable.

“All three of them,” I replied. “I assume you mean Hermann? He’s my little brother.”

“ _Awesome._ ”

We didn't get to speak much after that, but he’s certainly a character. He’s _tiny,_ and wears boots that belong in a Green Day video. Have you ever seen his tattoos? They are… something else.

Be good, and tell me you’ve made new friends in Japan. It’ll make me feel less guilty about meeting your old one before you did.

K

 

**November 1st, 2015**

Karla,

He has tattoos? What’s wrong with his tattoos? Is he a Nazi sympathizer?

Hermann

 

**November 3rd, 2015**

H,

I’m choosing not to be offended by your complete lack of interest in any of the other subjects I brought up. And really? _Nazi sympathizer_ is what you jump to? You’ve been spending too much time on the phone with Oma. No, the PPDC did not hire someone with swastikas on their arms. Jesus wept!

Seriously, are you doing anything recreational beyond sitting in your bedroom rereading _A Brief History of Time_ for the tenth time?

K

 

**November 20th, 2015**

Karla,

I’ve read _A Brief History of Time_ once. I merely consult certain sections of it now and again. My life is fine, my work is more important than anything else. Once a week, after the pilots’ gym has emptied for the night, I have physical therapy with Dr. Lopez. She normally works with the pilots who have been injured, but Rangers Yasmin and Pentecost haven’t been out in the Jaeger in weeks. The entire base is currently existing in a holding pattern. Watching the ocean. Waiting.

I found a photo of Newton working in the Lima lab. Those can’t be real, can they? The man has multiple doctorates, surely he did not actually tattoo _monsters_ onto his skin?

Hermann

 

**December 16th, 2015**

H,

Ha-ha, I wish I could’ve seen your face when you saw those things. I think they’re kind of kicky, but your taste runs a more conservative than mine. You _have_ stolen all my ugliest cardigans.

Doing leg stretches, in the dark, with a doctor who you can’t even seduce isn’t a social life. Come visit Jin and me in Shanghai! Invite Vanessa! Live a little!

K

 

**December 20th, 2015**

Karla,

Chanukah ended on the 14th and you neglected to get anyone presents again, didn't you?

Hermann

 

**December 21st, 2015**

H,

It’s the end of the world and I’m in a terrifyingly gentile country. It’s gonna keep happening.

K

 

**January 3rd, 2016**

Dear Karla,

Happy 2016! I hope your thirtieth year is a peaceful one. It was wonderful to spend New Year’s in Shanghai with two fluent Mandarin speakers. And, of course, Vanessa. I’ve missed her terribly. 

After we counted down to midnight, and watched you and Jin exchange far too many sticky, drunken kisses, she and I climbed onto the roof of the bar to look at the sky. A minor positive to come from half the city shutting down is that there is far less light pollution. I could see stars in the middle of metropolitan China. These truly are strange times we live in.

Coming back to work today, I received an email so long and typo-laden, I find myself unable to summarize it and still maintain the essence. I’ll include an excerpt here:  

 

> Hermann! Dude! Please tell me no one is moving you out of Tokyo. ‘Cause i am moving in!!! That’s right, the great and powerful PPDC is sending me to The Electric Town in three short days! I’m so psyched, I wa skind of obssessed with magna and anime as a kid, so culturally this is a dream come true. You’ll have to take me out, show me all the cool spots.
> 
> See you (meet you! ahh!) soon! Newt

Hermann

 

**January 5th, 2016**

H,

You drone on about light pollution for a thousand years when you have this news? You have to tell me everything. Unless you two bang. (I’m your cool sister, but in my mind, you and Bast are forever ten years old, obsessed with model rockets. And I'd like to keep it that way.)

K

 

**January 6th, 2016**

H,

So, how’d it go? Hanging on the edge of my seat here.

K

 

**January 7th, 2016**

Hermann,

If you guys have been having sex this long that’s actually concerning. Did something happen?

K

 

**January 10th, 2016**

[Part 6 of 6]

–And _then,_ he acts like he doesn’t care what anyone thinks of him. He, who shows up to work in leather jackets and distressed t-shirts like that’s going to hide the fact that he’s five foot five. He, who uses more hair product than Vanessa and never shuts up about the band he played in during college, claims he doesn’t care what people think of him. He’s simultaneously ashamed and overly proud about his job, the clothes he puts on his back, and who is under all those disgraceful tattoos. I’m surprised he even has room in his head to think about kaiju with all this self-obsession.

 _I_ don’t care what anyone thinks.

Hermann

 

**January 12th, 2016**

H,

Are you done? Like, is it over?

Excuse me? Mr. I-Refer-To-Myself-As-Dr. Gottlieb-In-Personal-Emails-To-My-Sister doesn’t care what anyone thinks? You might dress in old sweaters and secondhand shoes, but you still care what people think about you. It just presents itself in a different way.

I’m sorry it didn’t go well. Maybe he’s having an off week? When I met him here he seemed cool. A little offbeat, but hey, so are you.

K

 

**January 17th, 2016**

Karla,

You liked him because you’re loud and a wannabe rebel and shirk formalities the same way he does. That kind of behavior is not appropriate for someone working at this prestigious a level of scientific research.

Hermann

 

**January 30th, 2016**

As opposed to your dullard sister, who only works as a lowly interpreter.

K

 

**February 6th, 2016**

Karla,

That is not what I meant.

Hermann

 

**February 14th, 2016**

Hermann,

It’s what you said. What the hell does _wannabe rebel_ mean?

K

 

**February 18th, 2016**

Karla,

You've shacked up with a bartender and laugh when Dr. Geiszler insults our accent, all while working for the biggest governmental agency in the world. I see similarities between the two of you, is all. An obsession with attitude and aesthetic over contributions.

Hermann

 

**February 22nd, 2016**

Wow, okay, first off, Jin is a business owner, not just a bartender. And even if he was, that doesn't make him better or worse than anyone else. Second, I'm proud of what I do. I help people, same as you. You're the one assigning random labels to people, as if someone can't be taken seriously in their field _and_ wear cool clothes.

K

 

**February 29th, 2016**

Karla,

I'm sorry that you're sensitive enough to feel attacked by an offhand comment, meant to disparage Dr. Geiszler, not you. I am developing new fields of mathematics everyday, and I can't waste valuable time double-checking my words as to not offend your delicate sensibilities. You may worship at the alter of connotations, but some of us have more important things to do.

Hermann

 

**March 1st, 2016**

Hermann,

Well, you can just fuck right off, then.

Jin proposed, by the way. Thanks for asking about my life, for a change.

Karla

 

* * *

 

**May 15th, 2016**

Hermann, are you okay? I’ve been sitting in my living room, staring at the destruction in Tokyo for what feels like hours. I thought these days of total annihilation were behind us, as a civilization.  Please email me back. Call. Send a smoke signal.

K

 

Hermann, if you died I will murder you.

K

 

Who else is going to save the world? Who else is Newton going to have hate sex with if you’re gone? Who else is going to pilot Berlin Wall with me?

K

 

**May 16th, 2016**

Karla,

I am alive. It’s chaos here.

Being right has never felt so awful.

Hermann

 

**May 16th, 2016**

_Erschreck mich nie wieder so! Iesu Grist, rwy'n credu eich bod wedi cael eich trampio! You are a menace!_

_K_

 

**May 30th, 2016**

Dear Karla,

I do believe that’s the first time I’ve been scolded in three languages at once. 

Onibaba made landfall within ten minutes of my prediction, on exactly the day. If I had been more forward thinking, I would have submitted a request for a test of the Kaiju Emergency Alert System. Thousands of civilians would of been safe in the underground shelters. Thousands more would have lived.

But I have been uncertain for so long. I have called in so many false alarms, or predicted an attack on the wrong side of the world. I lost confidence and assumed this time, like so many before, my math would be incorrect. So I didn’t say anything beyond making note in my daily logs. And the city around me is demolished. One of Coyote Tango’s pilots is dead and the other, Ranger Pentecost, is in critical condition. There is a local child on the base, and the general narrative is that Pentecost brought her here after her entire family was killed.

And it’s my fault.

Sincerely,

Dr. Hermann Gottlieb

 

**June 9th, 2016**

Oh little one,

A lot of things are your fault. The fact that Dietrich and myself lose cardigans and jackets every time you visit because someone is too lazy to buy their own clothes. The time Papa and Nana’s car mysteriously crashed into the tree in their front yard. How the name “Newton Geiszler” has appeared in my inbox so many times that HR contacted me about not fraternizing with the heads of classified departments. That is your fault.

A enormous alien monster attacking Japan is not your fault.

These acts of chaos, of violence, would happen regardless of if you sounded an alarm or not. Coyote Tango would have jumped into the ocean whether you gave them a week to prepare or ten minutes. You can marinate in guilt until you keel over on a heap of chalk dust, lashing out at your loved ones. Or you can just try to do better next time. All we can do is our best. 

And don’t you dare start with that Dr. Gottlieb bullshit again.

Karla

 

**June 27th, 2016**

Karla,

Thank you. And I’m sorry.

I think I might be looking for a slight shift in career. My issues with certain colleagues, plus the fact that my algorithm finally works makes me feel I’m no longer serving the PPDC–or in fact, humanity–to the best of my abilities in the J-Tech department.

I’m applying to the Jaeger Academy for the fall induction of cadets. Do not tell Dietrich, Bastien, or Mama.

Congratulations on your engagement. I suggest you plan the ceremony somewhere landlocked.

Hermann

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bayern sind so unmöglich zu verstehen, dass wir Übersetzer brauchen–Bavarians are so impossible to understand that we need translators?
> 
> Erschreck mich nie wieder so!-Never scare me like that again!
> 
> Iesu Grist, rwy'n credu eich bod wedi cael eich trampio!-Jesus Christ, I thought you had been trampled!


	4. Chapter 4

**July 1st, 2016**

H,

I never said I accepted the proposal. Come on, don’t scientists know better than to assume?

It’s not that I don’t love Jin. I do. It’s just, in the moment, I felt like he asked me to marry him for the wrong reasons. It gets like this at war time, you know? People panic and cling to whoever is closest. So many rushed marriages, so many children born from a moment of impulse. I don’t want to get married out of the fear of dying single. It’s just a piece of paper, you know? Love is so much more than that.

Now that we’ve prioritized my emotional issues, allow me to freak the fuck out about yours: You’re applying to do _what?_

K

 

**July 4th, 2016**

Dear Karla,

Some people, the gay person you’re emailing for example, might find it offensive that you call the ability to get married “just a piece of paper”.

And you can reread my last missive if you’re confused by its content. The Tokyo Shatterdome is opening a Jaeger Academy of it’s own, so I won’t even have to move to China. The timing is perfect, and I expect the fact that I _built_ the Jaegers isa considerable strength in my application to pilot them.

I have to to do this. _Ich kann es nicht machen, aber ich werde es dennoch tun._

Hermann

 

**July 9th, 2016**

H,

Fine, but if you name your Jaeger Berlin Wall I will deck you.

And save it, Harvey Milk. Things have been unbearable since I turned Jin down. We keep finding excuses to work late, hoping the other will be asleep by the time we get back to the apartment. Despite my best efforts, he thinks I don’t love him. I may have really fucked this up.

How does Newton feel about you ditching him?

K

 

**July 11th, 2016**

Karla,

Dr. Geiszler has, coincidentally, also been unbearable.

After I gave my two weeks notice as head of J-Tech, I’ve been exceedingly busy trying to get all my projects organized and prepared for my successor, Dr. Maya Fibonacci (I asked, no relation, unfortunately). Dr. Geiszler decided to take this opportunity to follow me around the lab, constantly interrupting my work, saying what a “massive, utter mistake” I’m making. Because he is physically incapable of shutting up, I went back to my quarters tonight and found _thirteen_ emails from him further deriding my choice. Highlights include:

 

 

> Herms, look, Jaeger pilots are big dumb jocks, and you’re a geek. This isn’t an insult, it’s a fact. Stick to your own side, Maria.
> 
> Maya is cool but she doesn’t even use chalkboards to work. How am I supposed to ruin her equations with lewd drawings?
> 
> Oh, look at me, I’m Dr. Gottlieb, I think I’m too good to work in the basement now that Jaeger pilots are getting interviewed on late night TV. I’m going to waste my gorgeous brain beating kaiju to death and destroying any pristine organs Newt could’ve actually used.

He is a child.

Hermann

 

**July 13th, 2016**

H,

He called you _gorgeous._

K

 

**July 13th, 2016**

Dear Karla,

You view the world through a romantic lens for someone who turned down a wartime marriage proposal. Today is my first day at the Academy, so if my emails become sporadic or stop, don’t be alarmed. We’re starting with theoretical work, and I got a list of required reading for the first time since TU. You’ll mock me for this, no doubt, but I’m really rather excited to start in on it.

Hermann

 

**July 15th, 2016**

H,

You enormous fucking nerd.

Okay, to preface the following statement, I’m not trying to start shit. I just wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t say this.

I love how hard you work. I think it’s admirable you want to take your skill set wherever it’s needed the most. But I want you to be careful, okay? Don’t be so idealistic that you forget the PPDC is a massive, bureaucratic organization that can sometimes disregard individual humanity in the name of greater progress.

K

 

**July 15th, 2016**

Karla,

You don’t think I can do it?

Hermann

 

**July 16th, 2016**

H,

 _I_ know you can. It’s just going to be difficult to convince seven layers of military personnel of the same thing. Just be cautious.

K

 

**July 22nd, 2016**

H,

Knifehead attacked Baja, California this morning. Did you know the area is technically part of Mexico? People’s obsession with borders seems more and more absurd the longer we live in this reality, a child’s system of dividing up terrains in a fantasy world.

Jin and I broke up. He told me he didn’t want to keep going on the way we are, he wanted to build something more permanent. As if anything is permanent on this planet anymore. I moved back into Shatterdome housing and had myself a very undignified crying jag on the floor at one this morning.

And then I got a call that someone in the head office needed an English translator to talk to the Gipsy Danger pilots, who had just taken down their first kaiju. They’re these brothers, still _children_ , the younger is barely eighteen. And he managed to fight. So I drank a glass of water and pulled myself together. And that’s the last I want to say about the dissolution of my relationship. Teasing about a lack of a boyfriend is only fun when I do it to you, after all.

Knifehead is a stupid fucking name for a kaiju.

K

 

**August 6th, 2016**

H,

Okay. So. Slight issue.

Father, apparently, was unaware you were enrolled in the Jaeger Academy until today.

Someone, some weirdo who is particularly skilled at hacking computers maybe, took the name Hermann Gottlieb off the official list of cadets before it was sent to PPDC headquarters in Shanghai.

This weirdo was presumably trying to keep their father from finding out about this career move and causing an embarrassing scene, perhaps trying to force his twenty seven-year-old son out of training in front of everyone.

What this weirdo neglected to think of, despite having something like a 175 IQ, is that people interact with Lars Gottlieb outside of computers.  

Today, at the end of a budget meeting, Riku Kinugawa mentioned how well you were doing in the Jaeger psychological tests, and how if anyone could build an accommodation extension for their leg, it would be you.

Why didn’t you tell me? If you were going to lie on paper I could’ve helped you hide it in person. _Sie trottel!_

K

 

**August 13th, 2016**

Hey Karla (Ms. Gottlieb? Dr.? There are too many people and titles in your family.)

Sorry to hijack this email address, but I noticed you’re the only person Hermann messages on this thing that’s not about work. (Also, his account password is TURING. Could he _be_ any more cliché?)

This is Newt, by the way. Newt Geiszler. We met once a while back? I work in K-Science in Tokyo? Lot of tattoos, light of your brother’s life? 

I think something is wrong with him.

Threeish weeks ago, maybe a month, he left for some lame reasons to join the pilot program. Fine, whatever. I don’t care. But he was still responding to my emails, still corresponding with Maya about a few J-Tech projects. It was like, he left but he didn’t really leave, you know? Like he was just stationed in another city for awhile. Sometimes he wouldn’t answer right away, but I got it. He’s busy hitting someone with bamboo rods or whatever they do to test drift compatibility.

But then for the past eight days–nothing. No responses. Not even to Maya, on matters labelled URGENT and PROFESSIONAL and all the other things that usually get him hard. He didn’t show up in the mess hall, either. Yesterday I saw him disappearing behind a corner, and he looked like _shit_ , man. Even skinnier, big fucking dark circles. I called out to him, but I lost him in the crowd.

Is this lame to ask if you know what might be wrong? It’s totally weird, isn’t it? I don’t have access to the Academy bunking, otherwise I’d go down and bug him myself.

Thanks for listening to my rambling, I’m gonna delete this after I send it so he doesn’t… whatever.

Newt

  

**August 13th, 2016**

Dr. Geiszler,

I hope you don’t mind me responding to your own email address. I don't want my brother to know this conversation happened.

I don’t know if Hermann’s ever told you why he walks with a cane. I can’t imagine it’s something he brings up often, and despite his complaints about your lack of decorum you don’t strike me as the kind of asshole who would ask, point-blank.

When I was fifteen and he was twelve, we climbed a tree in our grandparents’ front yard. The four of us kids visited them at their cottage in Wales every summer, and there wasn’t much to do besides play outside.

You’re a biologist, yes? You’ll appreciate the sick irony of this. If the incident occurred a year later, it might have never happened. By the following summer, Hermann had grown by six inches and fifteen pounds. But at the time, my age still outstripped his biology. The (deeply unfair) reality of little brothers getting bigger and stronger than big sisters by pure luck of testosterone hadn’t yet come into play.

This is a long winded way, of course, of saying that we climbed too high, and I lost my balance. Without thinking, I threw my hands out to catch myself and shoved him. And he wasn’t strong enough yet to withstand the force. And he fell.

Sixteen feet.

He shattered his knee and hip. He’s had something like six reconstructive surgeries, but he never got full mobility of his right leg back. At this point, I don’t think he ever will.

I worried about this when he enrolled in the academy, that his leg would stop anyone from letting him near a Jaeger except to repair it. Hermann is obviously capable of building modifications to work around his issues, but our father–and by extension, the PPDC–would never allow it. With the budget shrinking every day and increased pressure to make a kill with every drop, the PPDC will not sign off on pilots that break the mold. It’s just too risky.

Hermann always brushes off my guilt, always assures people it was an accident, but intention doesn’t really matter. He’s still in pain.

When he gets down about it, the best you can do, barring indulging his sweet tooth or dismantling institutional ableism, is be gentle with him. Remind him he still has value as a scientist, a member of the PPDC, and as a person.

Let me know if he gets worse. You’re sweet to look out for him.

Karla Gottlieb

 

**OFFICIAL DICTUM OF THE PAN PACIFIC DEFENSE CORP**

**August 6th, 2016**

Dr. Hermann Gottlieb,

You are formally dismissed from the Jaeger Academy, Tokyo Shatterdome campus. You will be transferred to the Sydney Shatterdome, and are instructed to return to work as head of their J-Tech department, effective August 15th.

Riku Kinugawa, Jaeger Instructor

Dr. Lars Gottlieb, Director, Jaeger Program

 

**OFFICIAL DICTUM OF THE PAN PACIFIC DEFENSE CORP**

**August 6th, 2016**

Dr. and Ms. Gottlieb,

Call me immediately.

Dr. Lars Gottlieb, Director, Jaeger Program

 

**August 14th, 2016**

Karla Gwendolyn Gottlieb,

I am going to be suspended from this account for a week for using inflammatory language and I don’t give a damn.

How dare you. How dare you tell Newton about my leg. How dare you tell anyone, but especially him. More than my expulsion, more than my second unwilling transfer in as many years, this is the biggest indignity I've suffered. You’re a vile, heinous busybody and I hate you.

Do not email me again.

Dr. H. Gottlieb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ich kann es nicht machen, aber ich werde es dennoch tun. - I can't do this, but I'm doing it anyway.
> 
> Sie trottel! - you moron!
> 
> Guess we know why Hermann drove a car into that tree, huh?


	5. Chapter 5

**March 6th, 2017**

Herms,

I wanted to tell you days and days ago, but Dad said I couldn’t until I cleared all the medical tests, and now I did, so… *drum roll*

I got accepted into the Jaeger Academy!

Now you and Karla aren’t the only ones saving the world. I report to Tokyo in a week!!! I’m so fucking pumped!!! You gotta take me out for a beer when I land in the Far East!

Bast

 

**March 9th, 2017**

Bastien,

I am no longer stationed in Tokyo. I was transferred to Sydney over six months ago.

Dr. Hermann Gottlieb

 

**March 15th, 2017**

No way! Why? So random. Did you piss Dad off or something? lol. Well, wish me luck anyway, it's gonna be awesome!

Bast

 

* * *

 

**March 15th, 2017**

Dr. Geiszler,

Do you have any siblings?

Hermann

 

**March 16th, 2017**

Herms,

1\. Um, hi weirdo. That’s how most people start a conversation. Especially when you haven’t spoken to each other in six months. 

2\. Nope. Only child, baby! That tends to happen when you’re also an accidental bastard. Why?

3\. This is a little retro, isn’t it? Emailing each other? It takes me back to when we were in our early twenties, my arms were far less awesome, and you actually wanted to talk to me instead of perform one-man shows about the hazards of not dividing lab space evenly.

Newt

 

**March 18th, 2017**

Dr. Geiszler,

The division of lab space is not a frivolous issue, it is a matter of safety when _someone_ is throwing hazard kaiju byproducts at every surface in a five-foot radius. And I am emailing because you are currently 7,822 kilometers away. Not exactly a jaunt down the hall.

You should consider yourself lucky. Older siblings are kibitzers and younger ones are downright unbearable.

You call _yourself_ a bastard?

Hermann

 

**March 20th, 2017**

Herms,

Yeah man, why wouldn’t I? It’s what I am. My parents were both married to other people when I came onto the scene. (The circumstances of my conception probably influences my flair for the dramatics). Have we never talked about this? I feel like we’ve talked about this. Maybe I’m just thinking of your family.

Speaking of which, your sister was at the Tokyo labs the other day, translating for your Dad while he was on a tour of the facilities. I started chatting with him in German and he didn’t seem to appreciate it. I can see where you get your sense of humor, man.

Is Karla the kibitzing one? Or is that another older one? How many siblings do you even have? Are you Catholic?

Newt

 

**April 1st, 2017**

Dr. Geiszler,

I’m the third of four children. You know this. I’m Jewish. You also know this. Karla used to send belated ecards for Chanukah to the lab. They would sing incessantly on my computer monitor because I didn’t know how to turn them off, which then inspired you to start singing those Adam Sandler songs for a subsequent hellish three days.

Additionally, I just used the word kibitzer in a sentence.

It’s what Karla is. Surely you must’ve noticed, after what she said to you during the Jaeger Academy catastrophe. Older siblings, they think every choice you make, every relationship you have, is theirs to comment on.

This conversation is becoming inappropriate for an official email. I apologize for bothering you at this late hour.

Dr. Hermann Gottlieb

 

**April 4th, 2017**

Herms,

It’s two hours earlier in Tokyo than in Sydney, math genius.

What did she say to me during the “catastrophe”? I seriously don’t remember, a lot of pretty girls talk to me.

Newt

 

**April 4th, 2017**

Dr. Geiszler,

Don’t be boorish.

She told you about my leg. She told you to treat me like some delicate child.

Dr. Hermann Gottlieb

 

**April 7th, 2017**

Herms,

Whoa. Whoa whoa whoa.

She didn’t tell me to treat you like you’re _delicate._ I would never do that ever, first of all, because I’m pretty sure you’re made entirely of creaky metal wires and spite.

Second, I asked her why you were being all emo and bummed and she told me. Is it, like, a secret? That you fell out of a tree? Because I hate to tell you this, but it’s not exactly a tragic backstory. I wouldn’t have brought it up if I knew you were gonna go berserk over it.

When I was all "Hey Hermann, it sucks that it got you disqualified from doing something you really wanted to do?" I was _commiserating,_ not _pitying_. I gave you that tin of cookies, remember? When you were packing to leave for Australia? _That_ was my big, dramatic, cheer-up-Hermann gesture. Not carrying you up and down stairs or telling everyone to make sad faces at you. Calm down.

Is this what prompted the rant about having siblings?

Newt

 

**April 9th, 2017**

Newton,

No.

My brother Bastien is going to become a Jaeger pilot. _Mein kleiner bruder._

Hermann

 

**April 10th, 2017**

Shit, man. That sucks. I’m sorry.

Newt

 

**April 17th, 2017**

Newton,

It is what it is. It’s admirable Bast is doing his part to win us this war. I’m merely venting my frustrations with the… unfair nature of reality. _Er mochte Flugzeuge nie. Er fing an, sie zu studieren, weil ich alle Bücher drei Jahre zuvor gekauft hatte._

I don’t think I ever thanked you, for the cookies.

Thank you.

Hermann

 

**April 19th, 2017**

Herms,

Are you talking German to me? You _never_ talk German to me. Are you embarrassed of your awful Bavarian accent or something? It's totally bearable, over email.

And yeah, well, you have the palate of a seven-year-old. It’s pretty easy to guess what you miss most with the rationing. It wasn’t a big deal.

Chill out about your sister, man. Life is short. Oh, and can I send you the blueprint for an idea I had? It’s neurology + mechanics, so basically our brainchild.

Newt

 

* * *

 

**April 21st, 2017**

Karla,

Bastien is not, under any circumstances, allowed to name his Jaeger Berlin Wall.

Sincerely,

Dr. Hermann Gottlieb

 

**April 21st, 2017**

Hey stranger!

Wow. I’m sorry, I’m getting a little emotional. I missed you.

If I overstepped, and if it messed up your thing with Newton… that was shitty. I didn’t mean to. This whole situation was such a mess, and Sydney is even more miserably hot than Tokyo. Your entire wardrobe has been rendered useless, hasn’t it?

And I promise. If the little punk gets anywhere near a Jaeger, it’ll be named something really stupid.

Love ya, little one.

K

 

**April 30th, 2017**

Karla,

Good. ~~And I don’t have a thing with~~

~~He and I aren’t~~

~~He remembered I have a sweet tooth~~

Newton is fine. Sydney is hot but more spread out than Tokyo, which makes it easier for me to move, on occasion. My clothes continue to function, despite your constant mocking of them.

I may have overreacted to the whole situation. I was frustrated with bureaucratic regulations and with Father, the way you warned me I would be. And then I took it out on you. I suspect I’m on the same path with Bastien’s news if I’m not careful. I must remember, logically, that Bast isn’t capable of betraying me. He’s so oblivious that he didn’t even realize I moved to another continent, let alone that he is stealing my…

I hesitate to call it a _dream_ , but only because of the disirvive connotations that are attached to such a word. Not because it is an inaccurate description.

I hope we talk soon.

Hermann

 

**May 1st, 2017**

H,

Ha. You’re thinking about connotations now? Did we drift without me noticing?

K

 

**OFFICIAL DICTUM OF THE PAN PACIFIC DEFENSE CORP**

**April 29th, 2017**

Ms. Gottlieb,

If you were unaware, your brother Bastien Gottlieb is currently in training to be a Jaeger pilot. Drift compatibility between pilots is often strongest among parents and children, married couples, and siblings. The Jaeger program would like to bring you to the Tokyo Jaeger Academy test for drift compatibility with Bastien on either the 14th, 15th, or 19th. If none of these dates are convenient to you, please let us know which ones are.

As you’ve been an exemplary employee of the PPDC for four years, your path to becoming a Ranger is significantly shorter than the average applicant. Please let us know of your interest as soon as possible.

Riku Kinugawa, Jaeger Instructor

Dr. Lars Gottlieb, Director, Jaeger Program

 

**April 30th, 2017**

Dear Mr. Kinugawa and Father,

Let me think about it.

Karla

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Er mochte Flugzeuge nie. Er fing an, sie zu studieren, weil ich alle Bücher drei Jahre zuvor gekauft hatte. - He never even liked planes, he only started studying them because I bought all the books three years before.


	6. Chapter 6

**May 14th, 2017**

Karla,

We're attempting to close the Breach with nuclear detonation next week.

I don’t feel good about it, and not just because Newton pitched a two day fit via email about how many ocean organisms will die in the blowback (I believe the phrase “fish genocide” was used). I keep running the numbers, the angles and the dimensions of the Breach itself, and something isn’t right.

I’m not positive, and when mathematicians aren’t positive no one else should be.

I hope I’m wrong, of course. I hope that that next time we speak the war will be over, the Pacific ocean safe and (relatively) placid once more.

It’s only. I’m not sure. 

How are things in China? According for Newton, Bastien is having the time of his life in Tokyo. He’s been late for training twice and when he shows up he’s hungover. I refuse to dwell on it.

Hermann

 

**May 14th, 2017**

AUTO-REPLY

Hi, I'm out of my office until May 19th. If this is a non-work related emergency, you have my phone number, because you're one of my friends or family members.

Karla Gottlieb

 

**May 16th, 2017**

Hey Hermann,

Okay, before I tell you anything, I need you to promise me you’re not going to freak out.

Dietrich

 

**May 16th, 2017**

Dietrich,

What an vague, anxiety-producing email. What’s wrong?

Hermann

 

**May 16th, 2017**

Promise me.

Dietrich

 

**May 16th, 2017**

Dietrich,

I promise. Now tell me what is wrong.

Hermann

 

**May 16th, 2017**

There’s been an accident.

Dietrich

 

**OFFICIAL DICTUM OF THE PAN PACIFIC DEFENSE CORP**

**May 16th, 2017**

INCIDENT REPORT

At approximately 1300 hours, a preliminary neural handshake was performed by the pilots of Mach-III-J XS-21, Bastien and Karla Gottlieb. K. Gottlieb engaged in the right hemisphere without incident. B. Gottlieb engaged in the left hemisphere without incident. As they began the drift, B. Gottlieb fell out of alignment. The left arm of Mach-III-J XS-21 activated and began to attack the right. The failsafe was activated by the Jaeger instructor [see file: R. Kinugawa]  but not before both the Mach-III-J XS-21 and K. Gottlieb suffered significant injury. B. Gottlieb has been suspended from the Jaeger Academy until this incident is reviewed.

 

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** Newton, please tell me you are in Tokyo.

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** course. what up?

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** My sister

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** There’s been an accident with a Jaeger

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** Our stupid little brother wasn’t focusing, he never focuses and he lost control while they were drifting and he engaged the Jaeger weapon system in on itself

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** She might die and I’m so far away

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** I didn't even know she was training to be a pilot. She hid it from me. I would've warned her against drifting with Bast if I'd known.

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** holy shit, this happened yesterday? Im literally just seeing the ppdc notice now, ive been in adhd lazer focus mode for like sixteen hours. i can check on her in the medical wing, is that what you want?

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** Yes, thank you. I’m at the Sydney airport now, I’ll be there soon. Send me frequent updates.

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** U got it, my man.

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** I built that model. I designed every weapon.

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** dude, keep it together, i can’t listen to your feelings and check on karla at the same time.

 

**May 16th, 2017**

Dear Karla,

I am writing this from the aisle seat of a 747 jet. I think my leg is seizing up, but the woman beside me already got cross when the flight attendant made her switch seats with me. “I don’t know why he couldn’t get a special ticket in advance,” she said, in a boorish Australian accent.  

The thought of you punching her somewhere sensitive made me smile.

For that reason, and thousands more, you are not allowed to die.

Sincerely,

Hermann

 

**May 16th, 2017**

Dear Karla,

I cannot believe you tried to drift with Bast. If I had known – you should have told me, _sie gefühlvoll Trottel_ – I would have dissuaded you. Blood relation is not synonymous with drift compatibility. Bastien is wild and disorganized, and certainly not disciplined enough to control himself in the drift. He chased the rabbit at the first distracting memory, and you paid the price. 

You should have told me. You shouldn't have been afraid to tell me.

Sincerely,

Hermann 

 

**May 16th, 2017**

Herms, Deet, Mama, Dad

I'm so sorry, guys. I'm so so sorry. I just wasn't expecting how much pain there was gonna be in KK's head.

Bast

 

**May 17th, 2017**

Yo,

Okay, so this is what I found out, after dealing with several very annoying military slags who wouldn’t let me in until I pulled the equally annoying “I’m a doctor” card.

Karla’s in serious but stable condition. When the Jaeger’s left arm punctured it's own chest, she was pushed out of alignment and thrown against the wall behind her. She has a broken arm, a broken right leg and a fractured left one, five broken ribs, and a severe concussion in her cerebellum. According to her chart, she showed signs of internal bleeding when admitted, but her doctor – Dr. Jessie Gbaje, super cool chick, she actually used to teach in Cambridge back in the day – has managed to stop that. What Jessie’s most concerned about is the concussion. We won’t be able to see if there’s any lasting brain damage until the swelling goes down. Karla's currently in a medically-induced coma, which I know sounds really bad, but it's actually the fastest way for her brain to heal.

Newt

 

**May 17th, 2017**

**DrHermann_Gottlieb:** I just disembarked the plane. I'll be at the Tokyo Shatterdome as soon as I secure a cab. Thank you for your professional and decorous medical evaluation.

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** hey i _am_ a doctor, remember? in both biology and actual human medicine? I can be a boring square when i want to be

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** You have been referring to yourself as a doctor a lot for someone who claims to hate titles.

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** i'm gonna ignore your sass because i know you're scared shitless.hey, don’t call a cab, they take forever with half the streets destroyed, especially this early in the morning. i’ll come get you

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** That isn’t necessary.

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** i bought a motorcycle and i owe it to both myself and karla to make you ride on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sie gefühlvoll Trottel - you sentimental fool!


	7. Chapter 7

**May 20th, 2017**

Karla girl,

I’m typing this email to prove a point to our dumbass love Hermann. He’s sitting on Facetime with me, extremely irate. He’s in bad shape waiting for you to wake up, and I think it’s therapeutic for him to keep sending you emails, to ease anxiety. He _scoffed_ at me, like I didn’t get my A-Levels in psychology. So now I’m smashing my phone camera - and by extension, Hermann - against my laptop screen to demonstrate how to do this.

(He rode on a motorcycle. On the back of _Newton Geiszler’s_ motorcycle. It truly is the end of the world. Sadly, there are no pictures.)

Love you, sister from another mister. Wake up soon.

Vanessa

 

**May 20th, 2017**

Dear Karla,

I’m typing. Look Vanessa, I’m typing. you can hang up now.

This is absurd. When you do get back to work, you’ll have enough communication to get through without what essentially amounts to diary entries. I’ve never liked keeping a diary. Records are for research, not for emotional and tangential thoughts.

Vanessa is exaggerating re: the motorcycle incident. Dr. Geiszler managed to act like an adult human being in a stressful situation by offering me transportation. From a logical standpoint, the fact that he rides a motorcycle actually informs his ridiculous collection of leather jackets.

He didn’t even have a second helmet. He just threw his at my chest and said “safety, bitch”. That is just _reckless._

Hermann

 

**May 21st, 2017**

Dear Karla,

No one has actually told me to report back to Sydney, so I’m doing correspondence work from the lab here, and helping Newton with a few of the K-Science projects. He’s been using my old chalkboard to draw designs for yet more tattoos. We fought about it for forty minutes. It was strangely invigorating.

Bastien has been expelled from the Jaeger Academy. I haven’t seen him since your accident, so I imagine he slunk out in the dead of night. Dietrich says if we don’t hear from him in a week, then we can worry. For right now, he’s probably licking his wounds with the help of a lot of sake and some unlucky local woman. Dietrich and Mama went back to Wales. Father is…

Father is Father.

Hermann

 

**May 22nd, 2017**

Dear Karla,

Newt and Dr. Gbaje are in your room as I write this, looking at your most recent X-Rays. The swelling in you brain has receded enough for them to see if you are...cognitively unchanged. I don’t have clearance to go to the Tokyo medical wing, so I’m sitting in my temporary quarters, drumming my fingers against the textured metal wall.

I threw up in my personal trash can twice.

Hermann

 

**May 23rd, 2017**

H,

How did the nuclear detonation go?

K

 

**May 23rd, 2017**

How did the nuclear detonation go? _How did the nuclear detonation go?_ You wake up from a six-day coma and you _email me?_ You email me to say _how did the nuclear detonation go?_

Karla. _Danke Gott._

 

**May 24th, 2017**

H,

Newt and Dr. G ( _another_ Dr. G? We need more letters in the medical schools) aren’t letting me out of my bed for twenty-four hours, in case I’m extra susceptible to trauma right now.

Also, I thought it would be funny to freak you out. I was right, a little.

I read all those emails you and V sent me. You’re too sweet. I _will_ be analyzing your romantic motorcycle ride to my sickbed for the next few weeks. Did you have to hold onto his _waist?_ (It is taking me a very long time to type with one working hand, so appreciate how much work is going into this teasing.)

A note, though. None of you should blame Bast for what happened. He wasn’t ready to be in a real drift and I, well, I wasn’t ready. It was an accident. (Hey, that’s what you say about how _I_ ruined _your_ life! What a violent family we are. Christ, I’m on a lot of painkillers.)

And you never answered my original question. Rude.

K

 

**May 24th, 2017**

Dear Karla,

My accident didn’t ruin my life. I refuse to have this discussion again, and only indulge you now because you’re bedridden. What did you mean you weren’t ready? Bastien sent us an email I didn’t understand. He said the pain in your head overwhelmed him.

I couldn’t answer your question because the detonation hasn’t been attempted yet. The Head Marshall moved it from Tuesday to tonight. I’m grateful for the extra time to check my math–truthfully, it was a welcome distraction from my worry for you–and everything should work, in theory.

I worry sometimes that my knowledge is _only_ of use in the theoretical.

Hermann

 

**May 24th, 2017**

H,

Today, in theory means _yes._

More importantly: You’re cleared to come see me! How about you bring Newt, we can drink beer and watch you save the world. I like Dr. Jessie (I’ve switched to first names to avoid confusion) but she scrunches up her face every time I bring up the beer thing.

Confidence, kiddo. I swear you’d be two inches taller if you weren’t always braced for a punch.

K

* * *

**June 1st, 2017**

Hermann,

Should we maybe talk about what happened?

K

 

**June 4th, 2017**

Dear Karla,

I don’t think that’s necessary.

Sincerely,

Hermann

 

**June 10th, 2017**

H,

I mean, I don’t _want_ to, but I feel _compelled_ to. It was a bad night for all of us, for the whole world. I don’t think anyone is proud of how they reacted. Remember my crying? Do you think that was dignified sobbing? It was not. But I accept it as something that happened, and now I’m moving past it.

You’ve had a few weeks to calm down, have you and Newton moved past it?

K

 

**June 14th, 2017**

Dear Karla,

We’ve divided the Tokyo lab with yellow hazard tape, the way Bast and I used to do in our bedroom. He blasts 80s music at all hours and every time we make eye contact he glares.

Hermann

 

**June 20th, 2017**

Well gee, Hermann, do you think you maybe _embarrassed_ _him_ when you screamed about what a failure the K-Science division is in front of half the medical wing? Do you think calling his life’s work a “goulish joke that has done nothing to teach us about the Breach or improve the lives of humanity” may have _pissed him off?_ Do you think topping it all off with “this is why everybody finds you insufferable?” really _endeared you_?

You were upset. You were disappointed. We all were. But you _ripped him to shreds_ , dude. Does he cry? Because that probably made him cry. I almost started crying due to sheer proximity to that rage.

Just apologize. Tell him you weren’t yourself that night. He’s a good guy and he’s good to you. Don’t fuck that up.

K

P.S. Also, get this. Dr. Jessie says after they take the cast of my right leg, I’m gonna need a _cane_ for a few weeks, while it’s strength catches up with my left one’s. What poetic justice. I bought one that’s purple and sparkly off Amazon. Why am I not surprised you have the most generic medical equipment available?

 

**June 21st, 2017**

Dear Karla,

I’m not even officially stationed at the Tokyo Shatterdome. If he continues to be unbearable I will just get on a plane back to Sydney. I was correct in my assessment of his work, as I have always been. He’s unprofessional and childish and he never grasps the severity of the situation we find ourselves in. He's clearly fine, and just putting on a show of anger to get everyone on his side.

Don’t give me your opinions on handicap fashion. You’re just a tourist; I live here.

Hermann

 

**June 27th, 2017**

H,

Okay. I’m going to talk about yet another thing I don’t really want to discuss, but will for the greater good. I also don’t want any follow-up questions when I’m done.

When Bast and I drifted, for the first few seconds I couldn’t even tell that we had started. Everything I was seeing was our early childhood, which meant duplicate events, just from slightly different angles. Yom Kippur with Oma, the four of us riding the train to school.

But then I saw this shift. Bastien’s world was so bright, so light and clear, even when the memory showed him crying or in trouble. My own life started to appear dim, fractured, getting darker and foggier the older I got. Bastien got slapped in the face with chronic depression without a second’s warning, with absolutely no ability to bear it.

(I told you all it wasn’t his fault.)

Just because someone is cheerful or energetic doesn’t mean they’re vapid. In my experience, it usually means the opposite. It’s hard to deal with the tough stuff, dying and destruction, etc. if you’re constantly projecting a miserable vibe on top of everything else. And if you want my educated guess, I’d say someone who endured high school when he was still in the single digits probably isn’t the healthiest, emotionally.

You’re just a tourist. I live here.

K

 

**July 1st, 2017**

Dear Karla,

I cannot believe you just turned my words back on me. This isn’t an Aaron Sorkin film.

Hermann

 

**July 1st, 2017**

H,

I have a cane, now, Herms. I can do _anything._

K

 

**July 2nd, 2017**

Dear Karla,

I had no idea. About your... struggles.

Hermann

 

**July 2nd, 2017**

H,

Nobody rides for free, dude. 

K

 

* * *

 

**July 5th, 2017**

Vanessa,

Something atrocious happened today.

I may have mentioned Dr. Geiszler and I got into an argument about a month ago. (To be frank, I screamed awful things at him the night the PPDC failed to blow up the Breach, and he gave me the silent treatment for weeks after. If either is deserved is a point of contention between my sister and I.)

Nevertheless, I decided to take Karla’s advice and try to put it behind us. If nothing else, hostility is not conducive to a good work environment. Today, after our colleagues left for the dinner bell, I walked to his side of the lab and apologized for my earlier comments. He didn’t look up. I went to dinner and thought about the peace offerings Dr. Geiszler has made in the past, which are usually cookies. There aren’t any cookies in the PPDC dining halls due to rations, so I got a soda and brought it back to where he was still at work.

“I’m not supposed to be drinking soda,” he said. “Dr. Gbaje pried open my mouth mid-conversation last week and told me she thinks I have cavities.”

“I suspect we both do, the sheer amount of sugar we imbibe to stay awake,” I said.

Newton rolled his eyes, but he accepted the soda. When he left a few hours later, he leaned down over where I was working and rested his hand on the back of my neck.

“Hey, thanks. We’re good.”

And in an uncontrolled, reason-forsaken moment, I _blushed_.

Newton noticed, because he’s a biologist and also because he likes to note my humiliation. He said something along the lines of “jeez, I’m not saying we’re gonna make friendhsip bracelets and skip down the hall, calm down,” and then he let go of me.

I didn’t want him to let go of me.

His hand was warm, and had a lovely weight to it, and he was standing so close I could count the freckles on his nose.

Everything is vile. I haven’t been intimate with someone since before K-Day, and it’s clearly affecting my judgement.

Hermann

 

**July 5th, 2017**

H,

Oh. My. God.

K

 

**July 6th, 2017**

Karla

That email was sent to you in error. Do not read it. Opening someone else’s mail is a federal offense.

Hermann

 

**July 6th, 2017**

H,

I knew it! I _always_ knew it!

And what’s the big deal? Oh, Hermann liked when the guy he has a crush on _touched_ him? Do you read Jane Austen novels and think they’re too racy?

Which brings me to: YOU HAVEN’T HAD SEX SINCE BEFORE THE KAIJU?

Hermann Owen Gottlieb! You might _die_ from that!

K

 

**July 10th, 2017**

Karla,

You do not die from lack of sex. Whatever teenage boy told you that was being manipulative.

Please don’t tell anyone.

Hermann

 

**July 11th, 2017**

H,

Dude, of course I’m not going to tell anyone, except maybe a smug entry in my diary. I’m extroverted, not devoid of social skills. I'm teasing out of love. And because it’s kind of funny.

K

 

**July 16th, 2017**

Karla,

It’s not funny. It’s embarrassing, and completely unprofessional, and I’m trying to put it out of my mind because there’s nothing to be done about it. Don't you have anything better to do than harass me? I thought you were finally back at work.

Hermann

 

**July 16th, 2017**

H,

Work is easy. As I can only translate documents until I'm fully back on my feet, it's also much less interesting than this.

Who says there’s nothing to be done about it? Because of the fight? You two have fought since the second you met, that’s your version of harmony. Plus, you told Vanessa (AKA me! mwahaha!) that you guys made up.

And don’t act like you’re hesitating because he’s not into dudes.  I follow him on Instagram and he posted a photo from college where he spray-painted his hair like the bisexual flag. I find it very hard to believe he hasn’t brought that up. Someone who three-tones his hair for Boston Pride is not someone who is in the closet at work.

You’re sweet and smart and presumably handsome if you ever put on decent clothes. ( _I’m_ gorgeous, and we have all the same DNA, so this feels like a strong hypothesis). Have I installed enough self confidence in you? Because all this sincerity is making me feel like Mama. Ra-Ra, Hermann’s great.

Go ask him to clean some microscopes with you or whatever left-brain people do on dates. Life is short.

K

 

**July 30th, 2017**

Dear Karla,

Left-brain/right-brain discourse grossly simplifies the complex relationship between hemispheres of the brain.

Hermann

 

**August 1st, 2017**

H,

Yes, because that’s the really important part of this conversation.

K

 

**August 4th, 2017**

Karla,

What if he says no?

Hermann

 

**August 6th, 2017**

H,

What if he says yes? What if you have a great time and then great sex and end up living happily ever after in a cottage built from kaiju remains? What if when you’re a hundred years old you look back on the day you decided to ask him out as the best day of your life?

Oh, little one. You can’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game. I plagiarized that from a movie, (forgive me, I'm still mildly concussed) but it stands true.

K

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you catch the Uprising reference? It was one of the few parts that I loved in a film I'm having...many thoughts about.
> 
> Also, I decided that Karla and Hermann’s mother gave all her children Welsh middle names to honor her roots in Wales. I didn’t realize the Torchwood reference I had made but now I refuse to change it.


	8. Chapter 8

**August 13th, 2017**

**Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** dude, isn’t your birthday coming up?

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** My birthday is June 9th.

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** bullshit, no it’s not

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** Why would I lie to you about something like that? And where are you? The rest of your team arrived at the lab at 0800 hours like responsible adults.

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** ur lying cuz to make me feel like a piece of shit for missing your birthday by two months

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** and exactly, they’re adults they can start their own work.

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** You didn’t answer my question.

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** im meetin with this guy about some black market kaiju parts. they get way better shit than ppcd does after they go through all that procedure bs

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** What guy?

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** what are u my mom? Jokes on you my mom left when i was four

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** Dr. Geiszler, are you drunk right now?

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** dude it is rude in japanese culture to refuse a gift don’t be a racist. Im building camaraderie with these guys since last night when they offered me the gift of sake and body shots

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** seriously though let’s go drinking for your birthday

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** late party

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** i know so many cool spots now

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** what are you now, like 80

 

**August 16th, 2017**

Dear Karla,

[Screenshot enclosed]

He finally waltzed in at 10:46  – two hours and forty six minutes late! – smelling like he drank the entire bar and directing enormous men even more tattooed than he is to drag three tanks of visceral kaiju... _somethings_ into the lab. He’s labelled each specimen, for some unknowable reason, David, Alice, and Iggy. None of the tanks are PPDC-built, so in addition to all my actual work, I also devote a portion of everyday to worrying about those monstrosities shattering and killing us all in a kaiju blue explosion.

(I have feelings for _this_ man?)

Hermann

 

**August 20th, 2017**

H,

Dude, this is Newt we’re talking about. It’s after David Bowie, Alice Cooper, and Iggy Pop, duh. Your lack of basic musical knowledge concerns me sometimes.

I refuse to listen to anymore of this bitching, because he basically just asked you out. Drunk ramblings are always so honest, in my opinion. Jump on that, man (not literally, unless that’s your thing. Ew, nope, not thinking about your sex life in anything but the abstract. Shut it down.)

K

 

**August 22nd, 2017**

Dear Karla,

He did not ask me out. He, like all drunk people, was thinking only of how to get even drunker. How are you healing? Still in use of the cane?

Hermann

 

**August 24th, 2017**

H,

The cane has a _name_ , little one. It’s Gillian, after my favorite writer. (Why are you the only one who doesn’t name their inanimate objects? It makes life more fun.) And yes, though we’ll be parting ways at the end of the week. My ribs are doing way better too. It no longer hurts everytime I breathe. I briefly forgot the word for _metal_ in Welsh last week and had a brief panic attack, but no other signs of brain damage.

(It’s just _metel.)_

I don’t know, he sounded very… open. Most people don’t bring up their mother who walked out on them unless they’re baring all parts of their soul.

Just please, for me, have one drink with him. If it’s a disaster, I won’t mention this again. (That’s a lie and we both know it, but I’ll refrain for at least a couple of weeks.)

K

 

**August, 26th, 2017**

**DrHermann_Gottlieb:** In the event you’re still detoxing from your bender last week, perhaps coffee tonight?

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** dude, that sounds like heaven. i need a break before i go for round two with Iggy’s weird fucking kaiju kidneys (at least i’m 90/10 they’re kidneys)

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** shit, wait though i forgot, i have an appointment tonight.

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** Is everything all right?

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** not a dr appointment, it’s with my tattoo artist. i’m adding Yamarashi to my forearm.

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** Charming. Another time, then.

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** no! Dude, come with me!

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** I beg your pardon?

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** come to the shop with me! tehy have coffee and shit in the waiting room, you can distract me while Yuko’s got her needles in me

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** You’re still scared getting tattoos?

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** no, bitch, but it still _hurts._ especially when they’re filling in the color which is what she’s doing today

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** come on, it’ll be fun

 

**August 27th, 2017**

Dear Karla,

Last night was… strange.

Newton invited me to accompany him to his tattoo appointment, and I did.

I usually dislike leaving the Shatterdome at night - all the neon lights and the mob activity set my teeth on edge, but with Newt talking my ear off the whole time, I didn’t notice it so much. He insisted we take his motorcycle again, and the ensuing argument almost derailed the entire evening. He still refuses to buy a second helmet. Perhaps he is suicidal.

People greet Newton in the tattoo parlor like their long lost son. They appreciate his tackless body art for its aesthetic value, I suppose, especially the ones who’ve been adding to it since he moved to Tokyo. Yuko, his artist, is very beautiful, and he definitely notices. I tried not to notice him noticing.

One of the other artists made me coffee while I sat somewhat awkwardly on a stool next to Yuko. Newton took off his shirt and lay on a reclining chair that reminded me far too much of a surgical table. His tattoos are starting to encroach onto his chest. Yuko told him he didn’t have to take his shirt off for this work and he said “my body, my choice.”

On a procedural level, it was fascinating. I can always tell when someone has never had real surgery, by the way they wince and groan over little things like getting ink injected into their dermis. Newt chatted with me the whole time through gritted teeth, the discomfort clearly not enough to deter his constant monologue.

“The best part is coming up,” he said as Yuko applied the finishing touches. “See, my body's nociceptors are going nuts right now, which means my brain’s about to release a shitton of all the good endorphins to fight the pain. It’s like getting a free hit of acid with the tattoo.”

Yuko called him an addict. I agreed. When we left he couldn’t staring at the fresh color on his arm, grinning, almost dazed.

We rode back to the Shatterdome and when I left him to park his motorcycle, he knocked his shoulder against mine and said “we should do this again sometime, Herms, when I can look at tequila without wanting to puke.”

And then. There may have been a moment.

He leaned towards me, but in that moment the kaiju sirens started going off and I almost fell over.

As you know, Mutavore made landfall in South Korea last night, and our attention was obviously directed towards that. By the time Cherno Alpha took it down, it was nearly daybreak and Newton fell asleep on the couch in the laboratory almost immediately, and we have yet to speak today.

I’m expressing this in words only because my exhaustion has affected my better judgement, and also because Vanessa isn’t answering her phone: Do you think, given a few seconds more, would he have kissed me?

Sincerely,

Hermann

 

**September 3rd, 2017**

Jin died last night.

That’s blunt but I can’t really be my bubbly self today. I got the news from a mutual friend this morning. I was at work, and I had my headphones in, listening to David Bowie, and then she just called me and told me and when she hung up my phone just went back to playing David Bowie.

He was visiting a cousin in Seoul during the attack. It happened fast, at least.

I really love David Bowie, little one. Your story about Newt’s tanks reminded me of that. And now I can’t listen to him ever again.

I’m still just sitting here, in my office, and it’s getting dark outside but I can’t get up and turn on the light so I can’t really see. I don’t want to see the city.

You don’t get bereavement days for your ex-boyfriend. You’re not allowed to cry like your heart’s been ripped out.

I don’t know why I emailed you. It’s the only thing I could think to do. I just needed to tell someone.

K

 

**September 6th, 2017**

Dear Vanessa,

For the past three nights, I keep having the same strange dream.

It’s you and I, and we’re very young again, maybe ten or eleven, and we’re lying in your bed in the girls’ dormitory. There is a horrible storm outside, thunder rattling the windows, the rain so heavy I couldn’t see the lawn just ten feet outside. You keep hugging me, telling me to stop. I don’t understand what you mean by _stop_. And then I wake up.

Analyze that, Miss Ikotidem.

Hermann

 

**September 7th, 2017**

Hermann,

That’s not a dream, that _happened_. Don’t you remember?

It was just a few months into our boarding school careers. You used to come into my room all the time, because we were both so homesick and not used to sharing rooms with anyone but our siblings. (You were _so_ not supposed to be in the girls' wing, but the prefects must have been able to tell even then that you weren't in the business of chasing after girls). I remember that day because that storm is, like, historically terrible. It knocked power out for half of the South Bank. Class was cancelled for two days. I think Blair tried to declare a state of emergency.

And I was telling you to stop crying, love.

I think you were scared of the thunder, or maybe that you couldn’t see very far outside. You kept saying “we’re nowhere, we’re nowhere.” You were crying so hard. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you as upset as that day. I can’t believe you don’t remember that. Repression maybe?

So this is less dream analysis and more me confirming the daily tramas of going to boarding school at a very young age. Is something upsetting you now? Making you lost and disoriented? Sometimes a crying jag is just a crying jag.

V

 

**September 9th, 2017**

Dear Karla,

I decided last night that I’m not going to pursue things with Newt, beyond a professional relationship. We do not live in safe times. Nothing is certain or even foreseeable, anymore. I see you, with your heart in pieces after Jin’s death. I see Marshall Pentecost’s adopted daughter, who lives everyday surrounded by images of the monsters that killed her family, destroyed her city. I can’t do my work if I’m emotionally compromised. I am not as strong as some, who ignore the ever present threat of loss for fleeting moments of intimacy.

I didn’t quite understand you then, but your decline of Jin proposal’s makes perfect sense to me now. It’s just illogical in a world built on sand.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Jin was a good man.

Hermann

 

**September 16th, 2017**

Hermann,

Have I ever told you about the day you were born?

I was three, and Dietrich was five. When I woke up from my nap, Oma was in our house, and when Dietrich got home from kindergarten she told us we were going to see Mama in hospital, because we had a new baby brother.

(I think Father was on a lecture tour in Vienna. Whatever.)

I remember pouting the whole ride to hospital, because I wanted a sister. (I still do, to be honest. Don’t get me wrong, having you turn out to like boys with was an unexpected gift, but you were garbage when it came to braiding hair or painting nails.)

When we got to Mama’s room, I remember the door was closed, and a nurse was waiting outside. And I remember having the strangest thought, so clear I still remember it today. _This is the last moment of my life before I meet my little brother._

I don’t remember anything else about that day, weirdly. I don’t remember holding you, or the legendary temper tantrum Deet apparently threw when Oma wouldn’t buy him anything from the gift shop. I just remember realizing that you were going to cause this irreversible shift in our lives, just by your existence. Just by knowing you, I was effected by you.

Newt is already in your life. You’re already twisted up in his. Even if you cut and run today and don’t talk for the rest of your lives, you’re in his head (and his heart, if you wanna be mushy, which I often do). If you didn’t want to feel pain, you’re too fucking late. It’s a part of being human.

I was wrong when I thought I could avoid it by not marrying Jin, and if you don’t learn from my mistakes you really don’t deserve the genius label we oft bestow upon you.

I’ll talk to you soon. I have a meeting this afternoon, and Father apparently needs me to translate the word _wall_ into sixteen different languages. I do not look forward to finding out why.

Karla


	9. Chapter 9

**September 21st, 2017**

**DrHermann_Gottlieb:** That pessimistic fool!

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** Dude full offense your dad is a total prick, I don’t care who knows it

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** wait are you agreeing with me?

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** Dr. Gesizler, I was born in _Germany_ in _1989._ Forgive me, but I have never had much faith in the validity of border walls.

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** holy shit that’s a good linesend that to the PR people

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** this is totally bullshit man NATO is gonna take away like 80% of our funding for this fucking thing.you have to do something

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** _I_ have to do something?

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** he’s your dad, just talk to him, try to make him backtrack

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** the higher ups are built to eat shit in the name of our scientific awesomeness

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** Newton, my father and I do not have the kind of relationship you have with yours. We rarely correspond.

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** no one is asking you to have a catch with the guy, just tell him that he’s being stupid and weak and bowing to the pressure of army men in ugly green suits

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** I can’t promise anything beyond making our case at the tribunal next week. Marshall Pentecost is accompanying me, and the respect he commands is sure to help.

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** hmpff. why do they always send you to thos e things

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** Because you call them fascists whenever they question you.

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** it’s incredibly fascist to disagree with me, i’m me. I’m always right.

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** whatever, when you come back we should get sushi, hit up this cool bar near city limits

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** i feel like we got interrupted by Mutavore the last time we

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** i feel like i’m doing all the talking you rude ass bitch. call your dad.

 

**September 22nd, 2017**

H,

Did you by any chance compare the Wall of Life program to the Berlin Wall?

K

 

**September 22nd, 2017**

Dear Karla,

There may have been a mention. Why, did Newton tell you?

Hermann

 

**September 22nd, 2017**

H,

I think he told _everyone._ Your name is on CNN, little one. I’m working from my bed today, but even three floors below ground in the Shatterdome, I can hear the PR department going batshit as I type this. Critics are on every channel saying that if Lars Gottlieb’s own son is in disagreement with him, why should anyone else have faith in the program?

You were right, by the way. It turns out many people find tossing the name "Berlin Wall" around in conversation to be _extremely_ tasteless.

K

 

**September 23rd, 2017**

**OFFICIAL DICTUM OF THE PAN PACIFIC DEFENSE CORP**

Dr. Hermann Gottlieb,

You will not be accompanying me to the tribunal in Shanghai on Friday, as recent events have made your presence there more of a hindrance than a help.

Good God, Gottlieb, what were you thinking?

Marshall Stacker Pentecost

Tokyo Shatterdome

 

**September 24th, 2017**

**OFFICIAL DICTUM OF THE PAN PACIFIC DEFENSE CORP**

Dr. Hermann Gottlieb,

It has come to the attention of the PPDC Personnel Department that you have been working out of Tokyo Shatterdome for the past five months, despite being officially stationed in Sydney. You have been reassigned to the Anchorage Shatterdome and must report to your new department in next forty-eight hours or you will be charged with abandoning your post under the PPDC jurisdiction.

Sincerely,

Katherine Kelly, Head of PPDC Personnel

 

**September 25th, 2017**

Father,

I am not a soldier. You made very sure of that. I cannot be court-martialed, and you know that. What an absurd threat to have Personnel make, if only to shame me.

I have often wondered why I’m such an embarrassment to you. Is it my leg? My homosexuality? Or can you not even articulate why you look at me with such distaste, merely that I repulse you on a chemical level?

You told me once that bullies only respond to strength, so view this as a show of force: I stand with Marshall Pentecost in this debate, and vehemently condemn this Wall of Life project. If standing against you means I am out of favor with the PPDC, than I am out of favor.

_Du wirst mich nicht mehr beeinflussen._

Hermann

 

**September 28th, 2017**

Hermann,

Dude! My hero! I can’t believe you slam-dunked on your dad like that! Mako – Stacker’s kid, she’s getting so big – was hanging around the Jaeger maintenance this afternoon and apparently Pentecost got into a total _thing_ on the phone with your poor sister translating the yelling back and forth to your dad last night. Mako said Pentecost totally defended your honor, like the sexy badass he is. He said as long as he was employed by the PPDC, you would be too.

You’re totally punk rock, man. I’m so pissed they’re sending you to Anchorage as some kind of punishment for sticking it to the man. A little birdie told me with these insane budget cuts they’re folding the East and West K-Science divisions into one, so I’m not far behind.

It’s been over four years since I was on American soil. I’m looking forward to the cheeseburgers and the guns.

Newt

 

**September 30th, 2017**

Dr. Gesizler,

When I talk to you via email or chat, I am talking to you in confidence. I thought that was understood. Your incessant need to talk nearly put me out of favor with Marshall Pentecost and _did_ put my family in the spotlight of an international schism.

You have one of the most celebrated minds of our generation. How do you not understand that I am _furious_ with you?

Dr. Hermann Gottlieb

 

**October 1st, 2017**

Hermann,

Oh my God! Get off my jock, man! I was complimenting you! Fuck your weird, uptight Hermann-ness. I’m not sorry I told them what you said because 1) it was hilarious and 2) it was _right._ You’re in this shitshow for the right reasons, man, I’ve _always_ known that. This just confirmed it.

But if you’re gonna be a little bitch baby, then fine. Fuck you too.

N

 

**October 3rd, 2017**

Dear Karla,

I’ve hesitated in emailing you, because I don’t know where you stand on the Wall of Life. I just know what I must do what’s right, even if that means standing against our family. Even if it means fate intervened and destroyed… whatever was happening with Newton... before it could even begin. (Or more realistically, imploded of its own accord.)

I will go to Alaska, and I’ll wear six layers and work under the midnight sun, because Father cannot dissuade me from doing what needs to be done. I will, however, miss these emails terribly, should we not be on the same side.

Hermann

 

**October 14th, 2017**

H,

Sorry for the late response. I’ve been really sleepy and gloomy since Jin’s funeral. I went upstairs in my pajamas two weeks ago to translate between Father and Pentecost and Father was so pissed off I don’t even think he noticed. Otherwise I’ve been using up quite a few of my sick days and doing as much work as I can from my bed. Did you know you can get food delivered to Shatterdomes? I’ve made a small castle out of my take out boxes.

I am on your side, little one. I’m _always_ on your side. Besides, no matter how small the Jaeger budget or the PPDC gets, there will always be people who need a translator. I should ask Newt if the Kaiju have evidence of language and I can take a course in that. Language will save the world. I’ll be like Amy Adams in that movie!

Don’t get too pissed at him. He was in a panic, thinking of whatever he might be able to say to save the program. Just like you, he was zeroing in on what needs to be done.

Besides, do you know who else has been spotted in Alaska? A certain little brother of ours who has taken up ice water surfing. In the _Pacific Ocean_. I swear, if it’s not life threatening Bastien is not interested.

So make up with Newt or else you’ll have no one to keep you warm while you’re forced to watch hours of twentysomething straight boys falling off boards.

I promise to get my email response time up, right after I finally take a shower. I’d miss these conversations too.

K

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Du wirst mich nicht mehr beeinflussen - you do not get to effect me anymore.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a time jump, y'all!
> 
> Gottverlassen - God forsaken

**October 16th, 2020**

Dear Karla,

Today is the third anniversary of my move to Anchorage, which I feel is more than sufficient experimentation time needed to come to the following conclusion:

I do not like Alaska.

I do not like the food, or the remote nature of Anchorage, and I _despise_ the weather.

Why is it that everywhere on this planet the PPDC sends me is either much too hot or far too cold? I dug one of Dietrich’s old coats out of my belongings, a massive green thing with a fur hood that is more in the style of a nineteen-year-old girl than an adult man. It was baggy even on him, and I fear I’m swimming in it. Still, when one is forced to stand in the same room as the Beckett brothers on a regular basis, one gets over any notion of vanity.

Today is also of note because Newton and the remaining members of the East Side K-Science team landed in Anchorage last night.

Despite much campaigning by myself, Marshall Pentecost, and a handful of passionate others, the PPDC has decided against the _necessity_ of having experts maintaining Jaegers and studying fallen kaiju on both sides of the Pacific. 90% of this year’s funding is going towards the _Gottverlassen_ Wall. Some people apparently enjoy making life more difficult for themselves.

Is is strange I’ve dreaded Newton showing up in person? Our correspondence is much less fraught then when we spend time together in person. There’s something about writing things down that filters out the verbal static he’s known for, and I find myself more at ease in conversation when I have time to think comments over.

I worry we’ll revert back to the hostility of our first meeting. I don’t wish for that, I want… I don’t know what I want.

I pray for peace.

Hermann

 

**October 16th, 2020**

H,

Aw, I like the Beckett Boys. They’ve got those matching jackets. Why don’t we have those? (The fact that the name _Gottlieb_ is to the Jaeger Academy what the name _Macbeth_ is to a theatre probably impedes us, somewhat.)

Personally, I’m glad you and Newt are back together again. We actually emailed a couple of times, when I wanted medical consultation for antidepressants that didn’t make me vomit. I could tell he missed you, even though most of our conversation was about how no one would’ve put _him_ on antidepressants if it were socially acceptable to wear the same sweatpants and Happy Feet slippers to work everyday for a month.

Budget and staff is shrinking at an equally alarming pace here. We’re down to two interpreters, and neither of us speak Polish, which is apparently essential, so I’m trying to learn it. It’s taking me a long time. I find absorbing words isn’t as easy as it once was, although if that’s due to the concussion or the fact that I’m dangerously close to my mid-30s is anyone’s guess.

I find myself on the floor of my quarters, holding heavy books in my lap until my legs go numb, wondering if this is what losing feels like.

Karla

P.S. Also, in my _abundance_ of free time, I’ve started dating again. Well, dating is probably too formal a word. Some actual genius set up a PPDC hook-up app that matches you to people in your specific Shatterdome. Fuck-out-the-tension sex is never more than a few floors away, and your name doesn’t even show up so no one gets attached. (I’m  **KG, 34**  which makes me sound like a cleaning agent.) Download it, love it, do _not_ tell me any sordid details.

 

**October 16th, 2020**

Dear Karla,

Sex, apparently, is in the air. I came into the lab earlier than usual today, hoping to have a quiet moment to situate myself before the Tokyo delegation came in. I assumed the jet lag would cause them to move slowly this morning. I was wrong.

I was making myself tea, and the kettle must have drowned out any footsteps. When I turned around Dr. Geiszler and Dr. Maya Fibonacci were sitting next to each other at a dissection table. Her foot was curled around his leg, and before they noticed me looking at them, Newton pressed his hand against the table, leaned over, and kissed her.

In public. In a _laboratory._ And then he looked up, blushed, and had the gall to say “oh, hey, morning Herms” like he didn’t just do six different things worthy of a harassment complaint.

Hermann

 

**October 20th, 2020**

H,

Little one, for the love of all things holy, please tell me you did not file a harassment complaint.

K

 

**October 21st, 2020**

Dear Karla,

Of course I did. It was unprofessional and it can’t be tolerated in the workplace. My day is stressful enough without having to look up and see indecency like that.

Hermann

 

**October 23rd, 2020**

H,

Is it still _this_ intense, your thing for Newt? I thought it tapered off, you know, as you’ve lived in different countries for _three years_ and you look at that blonde god Yancy Beckett all day.

Is this like…

Jesus wept. Are you in love with him?

K

 

**October 31st, 2020**

Dear Karla,

I refuse to dignify that question with a response.

~~My thing for~~

~~My feelings~~

My relationship with Newt is not relevant. It was just inappropriate behavior and needed to be flagged as such.

(I downloaded the app. For reasons of scientific curiosity.)

Hermann

 

**November 3rd, 2020**

H,

Is that what we’re calling ‘desperately needing to get laid’ these days?  

K

 

**November 4th, 2020**

**Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** oh my GOD did i just see the profile **HG, 31** on tendo’s app? You’re the only **HG, 31** I know babe

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** There are plenty of thirty one-year-olds in the PPDC with my initials.

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** yeah, but none of them would post a photo of your face, dumbass

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** is it some kind of prank? Are the cool kids setting you up so they can pour pig’s blood on you later?

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** Did that happen to you?

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** seriously? It’s from carrie. Famous stephen king novel. You’re like a martian

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** a martian who wants to get layyyyyyed

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** Firstly, I truly commend the commitment you made to pick up mocking me mere hours after your transfer here. Secondly, I fail to see how any aspect of my personal life is your business. Thirdly, why do you even have an active account?

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** why wouldn’t i?

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** hermann? Helllooo?

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** im sitting across the room from you, weirdo, i can _see_ you ignoring these messages. this is why everyone thinks germans are assholes.

 

**November 5th, 2020**

Dear Karla,

Newton just stomped across the room, in front of Maya and two other colleagues, and asked me why I was acting “like such a cagey bitch”. I suggested we talk in the hallway, where there was some semblance of privacy.

I told him I didn't think it was appropriate for him to be trolling an app for casual sex when he's already involved with Maya. His voice then rose at least a decibel so everyone in the lab could still hear us. The louder he gets, the more shrill he becomes, and when that sound bounces off the metal walls it becomes completely incomprehensible.

All I made out was “morality police” and “abandon me” and what I’m 86% sure was German for “excuse me for trying open fun”, which I don’t think is a grammatically correct sentence in either language.

I have a headache. And, as it happens, a match with a very nice-looking payload specialist initialed **GW, 28.**

Hermann

 

**November 6th, 2020**

H,

It’s not grammatically correct, but jealousy can cloud people’s mental faculties. Kind of a dick move, if you ask me. He can sleep around but you can’t? Sexist.

Wait, that’s not right. Whatever, I’m drunk. Drinking is happening _a lot_ these days.

K

 

**November 7th, 2020**

Vanessa,

I had sex with a man from work last night. It’s the first time I’ve had a one night stand since our ill-fated attempt to lose our virginity together in university. It was… fine.

His name is Greg (he didn’t offer his surname and I didn’t ask) and we had a flimsy, fifteen minute pantomime of a date–drinking instant coffee in the PPDC dining hall to maintain some veneer of respectability–before he took me back to his quarters.

He was a good kisser. He didn’t roll his eyes when I needed a pillow under my knee for certain acts. I took him lying on my back and he made sure to finish me off after he was done himself. It was all very gentlemanly. I left before he even fell asleep.

I took the long route back to my own room, even though my leg always twinges a bit more after sex. I needed time to reflect, and I still don’t know how I feel about it. The physical release was welcome, of course (it’s been a long time since I’ve had any help in that department) but otherwise I felt strangely underwhelmed. 

This is probably the bluest letter I’ve ever written. I’d appreciate if you deleted it immediately after reading.

Hermann

 

**November 10th, 2020**

Herms,

You’re a serial monogamist, love. The fuck and run thing just isn’t your thing. You said yourself you haven't tried it since we were nineteen. You don’t have one night stands, you have boyfriends. 

Speaking of, word around the Gottlieb gossip mill is that Newton Geiszler is back in your life? Details please?

And I will save this letter always. I can't imagine how much you were blushing while you wrote it.

Vanessa

 

**November 11th, 2020**

Dear Vanessa,

Newton was transferred to Anchorage for _work_. He's also seeing Maya, a fellow mathematician. Or at the very least, he's sleeping with her. It’s all very nebulous, and even if it’s not exclusive, I have no interest in becoming entangled in some sort of polygamous, emotionally fraught mess. You’re right. As foolish as it sounds, I’m a relationship sort of man, at the end of the world.

At least telling her the watered-down version of my evening with Greg will get Karla off my back.

Talk soon,

Hermann

 

**November 12th, 2020**

Karla girl,

Do you ever worry that Hermann’s locking himself away from everything that could make him happy?

Vanessa

 

**November 13th, 2020**

V,

Almost constantly, yeah.

K


	11. Chapter 11

**February 28th, 2021**

**URGENT**

H,

I woke up in the middle of the night, China Standard Time, drowning in my bed.

My face, throat, lungs felt like they’d been doused in ice water. For fifteen terrifying seconds, I couldn’t breathe, choking on ocean waves that weren’t there. I sat up in bed, hacking, clawing at the wall like an animal.

And then it passed, faded away. I almost dismissed it as a bad dream, but I usually don’t dream like a 4-D movie. And then the words came to me, first in Mandarian, then in German, and then finally in English.

 _Residual drift._  

I bolted out of my quarters and up three flights of stairs like a bat out of hell, still in my pajamas (this is apparently my thing now).

Bastien. His name was red in the air when I said it, it tasted red as it rolled around on my tongue. _Bastien Bastien Bastien._

I expected the comms room to be nearly empty, but I wasn’t the only one stumbling in, flushed and half-dressed.

“Where is my brother?” I kept shouting, over and over again. “ _Dìdì_ , my  _dìdì_  Bastien. Something’s wrong.”

Everyone was looking up at the monitors, mouths open in frozen horror, but it was someone else’s brother they were concerned about.

Gipsy Danger was sparking, missing an arm and a pilot, just off the coast of Anchorage. Clawhook was headed straight for the Canadian coastline, crushing and tossing aside everything in it’s path into the massive, stormy waves. Boats, fishing lines, the pitiful, half-finished Wall.

Surfers.

Little one, I know what I felt. Bastien was out on his board in the storm because he’s insane. We’re still connected. I could feel his panic, the wind being knocked out of him. He’s been shoved somewhere, maybe miles from the shore in the attack, and he’s badly hurt if not worse.

We have to do something.

K

 

**March 1st, 2021**

Karla,

I write this from the lab. I called in the entire K-Science team when I received your email this morning. Maya has experience with tracking, she built all the GPS for the Mach-IIIs, and she and I are trying to see if they can triangulate Bast’s location from his cell phone. Even if he left it on the beach, that could give us a general area as to where we could look.

Newton has been in contact with a few of his friends here in Alaska (Speaking to strangers on the phone is something I struggle with under the best of circumstance) and they confirmed he was out in the ocean when Clawhook emerged from the Breach.

I’ll let you know when I have more information.

Sincerely,

Hermann

 

**March 1st, 2021**

H,

I barged into the PPDC situation room despite the fact that I don’t have clearance to go in there unless I’m interpreting for someone. It’s so chaotic and I wouldn’t stop screaming so the one soldier they had on duty might have just looked the other way out of fear.

Father was there, along with the other top brass. They were trying to resume communication with Gipsy Danger – somehow Raleigh Beckett is piloting the Jaeger back to shore, _all on his own_ – and I don’t think Father recognized me at first, so deep into his stone faced crisis mode. But there I was, in pink sweatpants, tugging at his arm like I was a little girl again.

I told him what happened in a rush, but I made sure it was all in German so we’d have no chance of miscommunication. _Your youngest child is missing in the Pacific Ocean._

He swallowed. He blinked. He told me Bastien is no longer a member of the PPDC and therefore we can’t waste any PPDC resources looking for him. Call the American Coast Guard, he said.

I punched him.

It just kind of happened. The longer he talked the blacker and spikier his words looked until I was so furious couldn’t see straight.

Then I decked him and he fell back against the table and everyone started shouting and two Marshalls dragged me out of the room.

So I’m currently sitting in a PPDC detention cell with nylon bands around my waist and chest to tie me into my chair, which is entirely overdramatic and also ineffective. If they wanted to keep me from hitting someone, why didn’t they handcuff me? They didn’t even take my mobile.

Like I said, it’s a little chaotic here.

As it often turns out, it’s up to you and me to fix this mess. I’ll call Deet and Mama, as I’m currently not capable of doing anything else. You save Bast.

K

 

**March 2nd, 2021**

Dear Karla,

You told me once we were a violent family. Recent evidence seems to support that. Call anyone you see fit. Maya pinned down Bastien’s phone on a beach about fifteen miles from the Anchorage Shatterdome, and I’m heading there now, in a borrowed supplies truck no one is paying attention to in the madness. Send my updates along to the rest of the family.

Hermann

 

**March 2nd, 2021**

Hermann, you don’t know how to _drive._

K

 

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** herrmann answer my calls

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** you just disappeared

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** lightcap and pentecost are in the lab right now, raleigh beckett just crashed GD into a the side of a fucking glacier and they want to see if we can salvage the jaeger

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** pentecost says we’re going to need to save everything we can

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** he wants you to oversee the damage and you’re GONE

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** DUDE THIS IS NOT FUNNY

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** I’m outside of Loading Dock C. I’m having some trouble with the gear shift in this truck.

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** am i having a stroke??

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** I need to get to where Bastien was last, and as you can imagine it’s rather time sensitive.

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** and you don’t knwo how to drive a stick?

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** I don’t entirely know how to drive an automatic.

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** you can’t drive? Holy shit ar you a virgin who can’t drive?

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** I understand the basic concept, the truck just keeps making this grinding noise and refusing to move.

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** oh my god you’re like a baby. be right there

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** What?

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** Newton, do not leave the lab.

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** Marshall Pentecost and Dr. Lightcap must take priority, the PPDC is in crisis, do not abandon your post.

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** This is a personal matter, why can’t you ever just do as you’re told?

 

**MISSING PERSONS REPORT**

**UNITED STATES COAST GUARD**

**MARCH 6th, 2021**

**NAME:** Bastien Aeron Gottlieb

 **AGE:** 29

 **APPEARANCE:**  Caucasian, brown hair, brown eyes. 5’11’’. Tattoo on right inner arm reads “Eddie would go” in black ink.

 **LAST SEEN:** Kachemach Bay State Park, March 3rd.

 **ADDITIONAL DETAILS:** Bastien was reported missing by his siblings after it was discovered he was surfing in the Alaskan Gulf during the most recent kaiju attack [see file: CLAWHOOK]. Further investigation found his cell phone and car keys in a plastic bag on the beach. Initial search efforts made by family and local authorities were unsuccessful. Joint search efforts by the United States and Canadian Coast Guards have been unsuccessful.

 

**March 6th, 2021**

H,

I’ve been released from PPDC prison. Dietrich says I should stop calling it prison, that it was only a holding cell, but he isn’t the one who was _strapped to a chair for sixteen hours._ It was so boring I started singing every song I knew in Mandarin, and then in Welsh when I ran out of those, and then English when I ran out of those, etc. etc. My throat hurts like a motherfucker.

I’m with Dietrich now, in a hotel room he and Mama booked just a few blocks from the Shanghai Shatterdome. I think it’s the closest geographically Mama and Father have been since the divorce. Yesterday morning she went to the base and raised hell until Father came down to the gate. They had a ferocious argument that ended with six threats of violence and a Father finally,  _finally_ agreeing to allocate some of the Anchorage PPDC helicopters to case the area.

This is all secondhand information. I’ve barely been able to sit up in bed. Deet keeps getting me glasses of water and blasting Chinese daytime TV so we don’t have to sit alone in the silence.

I feel like part of my mind has been ripped out. I feel a dark void tugging on me and I’m terrified of what it might mean.

I love you, okay? Know that I love you _and_ Deet _and_ Bast so goddamn much.

K

 

**March 7th, 2021**

Dear Karla,

Newton drove me to the beach.

He walked out of an official debriefing with Stacker Pentecost and started the truck for me. And then he pushed me sideways and wriggled into the driver’s seat.

“We have to hurry up,” he said. “I can’t see all that great at night.”

I squeezed his bicep, once, quickly, while I pulled myself into the passenger’s seat. I hoped he thought it was merely for balance.

Newton barely said anything the entire drive except to check directions. He got even quieter when we got to the beach. I couldn’t walk very well on the sand, so he ran ahead, dropping down onto his knees when he saw Bastien’s bag, abandoned on the ground.

I shouted Bastien’s name, over and over. I watched the Coast Guard boats, looking tiny and out of control, the ocean still rollicking from Clawhook, as they sailed farther and farther out to sea.

When I finally caught up to Newt, he was staring Bast’s cell phone, and then out at the waves. The wind pulled at his hair, the spray of the ocean dotting the lenses of his glasses.

“My uncle took me to a beach like this when I was a little kid, right after my mom left. I caught hermit crabs in the tidepools and he let me bring them home.”

“So we have him to thank for all your…” I felt a strange surge of guilt and didn’t finish the sentence.

"It's all so beautiful, still." Newton lifted his hand and looked up expectantly. Leaning back on my cane, I hoisted him up with my stronger side.

When he was standing, he didn’t let go of my hand.

He turned his face back to the ocean and I did the same, feeling the spray against my skin. I wondered if the spray was the last thing Bast felt.

The warmth of Newton’s hand, his fingers interlaced with mine, tattooed with nothing but a brush of freckles, was the only thing that kept me from walking right into the water after him.

We searched the beach for hours, walking up and down the coast calling for Bast until I couldn’t stand up and Newt could barely see.

He carefully packed Bast’s things in their bag and held it in his lap the whole ride back to the Shatterdome. Pentecost read him the riot act, and I slipped away, back to the laboratory.

Raleigh Beckett is recovering in the medical bay and Dr. Kollath is running CAT scan after CAT scan on him. Maya has a theory that he felt Yancy die due to their drift, that he’s still feeling…whatever comes after death.

I would like to bring you to Anchorage so we can run scans on you as well. If your scans are identical to Ranger Beckett’s, we may be able to identify your dark feeling.

We may be able to stop the search.

Dr. Hermann Gottlieb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy belated National Siblings Day to my own siblings, including my own two little brothers who have unknowingly had their personalities wholesale ripped off for Bastien and Hermann!


	12. Chapter 12

**March 20th, 2021**

Lars,

Attached are the CAT scans and neurological evaluations of Raleigh Beckett [see file: R. Beckett] and Karla Gottlieb [see file: K. Gottlieb]. Despite their difference in age, gender, and frequency of engagement with drift technology, they are currently showing identical neurological responses, and both are expressing unpresidented chemical reactions in the left hemisphere of their brains. Both Raleigh and Karla were controlling the right hemisphere of their Jaeger’s during their drifts.

My professional conclusion is that they are somehow feeling the brain deaths of their drift partners [see PPDC archives: Y. Beckett and B. Gottlieb respectively] the former of whom has been confirmed dead and the latter of whom is presumed dead.

The Beckett-Gottlieb Effect is some of the most compelling evidence we have in support of ending the Jaeger program. We do not understand the long terms effects of drifting on the human mind, and every time we allow another pair of pilots to engage with the technology, we are putting them and everyone else in danger.

We must not lose our humanity in our pursuit of saving it.

Dr. Petra Kollath

Chief Medical Officer, Anchorage Shatterdome

 

**March 21st, 2021**

****Filed Under: N. Gieszler, Untitled Drift Project** **

Note to self: how far away can a drift hold connection? Karla and Bastien were approx. 4304.238 miles away from each other and she still felt his death. Could a connection hold between two points on opposite sides of the world? Could it hold between a point in our world and one on the other side of the breach? Look into this - run cognitive response test on iggy and maybe alice???

  

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** are you in your bedroom?

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** you don’t have to come out or anything pentecost just needs to know where you are

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** hellooooo? Dude we just need to knwo that you’re alive

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** shit. I shouldn’t have said that.

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** karla’s copter just left, she’s going back to shanghai

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** you probably know that, huh. hence the hiding.

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** she wasn’t crying. It’s weird even the hanfdul of times we’ve talked she mentioned what a big crier she is but she was just staring straight ahead, all pretty and exhausted-looking

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** you probably can’t tell because she’s your sister, but your whole family is that nerdy kind of cute where you don’t even realize you’re cute and it just makes you

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** look, man i have to go to this big meeting pentecost is calling so either give me some proof of life or i’ll send a medical team to kick down your door which will be very embarrassing for everyone

 **DrHermann_Gottlieb:** Leave me alone, Dr. Gieszler.

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** good

 

**March 22nd, 2021**

Herms,

Do you know who Eddie Aikau was?

He was this totally badass surfer in Maui in the 70s. They say that he didn’t lose a single person the whole time he was working as a lifeguard, and when he died it was because he got lost at sea, trying to get help for a capsized boat. So fast forward, they dedicate this whole surfing tournament to him, and the waves are bonkers, dude, so dangerous, and then when everyone’s thinking maybe they should call it off, someone says “Eddie would go”.

That’s who Bastien’s tattoo was for. It means taking risks, jumping into the Pacific Ocean even when it’s terrifying, because it’s the right thing to do.

That kid was so brave, Hermann. You should be so proud that he was your brother. You guys were more alike than I think you realized.

Newt

 

**March 23rd, 2021**

H,

I don’t mean to be dramatic–that’s always been your department–but it’s a good thing that I had two PPDC Rangers in the helicopter with me on the ride back to Shanghai, or I may have jumped into the ocean.

I’m allowed to cry this time. I’m allowed to rend my garments and blow off work and drink until I throw it up all on the floor of my bathroom. Mama’s been crying like that. Deet took a leave of absence from the university and he’s staying with her in Cardiff. When we last Facetimed, he had started growing a beard and has apparently reread the German translation of _Ordinary People_ three times. Even Father, reportedly, took the day off, after the Coast Guard finally called off the search.

If I broke down in that helicopter, if I tried to throw myself to the mercy of the air, no one would be surprised.

I didn’t jump, though, not just because of the muscle and their mildly alarming tasers. I made it back to dry land because I couldn’t do that to you.

My whole life, whenever things got bad and I almost did something stupid, I thought about what it would do to you. Sometimes in my head you’re still only twelve, with freckles on your nose, wearing Deet’s old clothes, squinting at your Bletchley Park books because you refuse to admit you need glasses. I couldn’t do something that would hurt that little boy.

There’s an old line from a film (I can’t remember which one and truly don’t give a fuck at this juncture) that goes “some people are just born with tragedy in their blood”. And I think that’s you and me, little one.

But it doesn’t mean we have to bend to it.

K

 

**March 25th, 2021**

Dear Karla,

I thought of something strange today. I’m no longer a middle child. I’m the youngest once again. That’s usually not the direction a shift in sibling labels goes.

Hermann

 

**March 26th, 2021**

H,

Bullshit. No you’re not. Bast is the baby, and nothing about that fact has changed.

You and I share the dreaded _mittelkinder_ label, like we have for the last thirty years, and that’s the last time we’re discussing this, _capisce?_

K

 

**March 29th, 2021**

Dear Karla,

You speak Italian now?

Hermann

 

**March 30th, 2021**

H,

I could learn. I made it into work today, washed my hair and everything. The sky’s the limit.

K

 

**OFFICIAL DICTUM OF THE PAN PACIFIC DEFENSE CORPS**

Members of the Pan Pacific Defense Corp:

Due to the increasing frequency and severity of the kaiju attacks, a consensus has been reached within the Pan Pacific Defense Corps that the Jaeger Program is no longer the most viable line of defense. The program will be funded through the next eight months while the Wall of Life project is completed, and following that it will be shut down.

The work done by our rangers, marshalls, and technicians in the Jaeger Program since it's inception in 2013 has been invaluable and will not be forgotten. The price members of our vital organization have paid in service to their species will not be forgotten.

Please speak with your direct supervisor to find out how your benefits, pension, and severance pay will be changing during this transition.

Sincerely,

Dr. Lars Gottlieb

 

**April 1st, 2021**

**Maya_Fib:** Have you reached out to any of the development teams in China?

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** what development teams?

 **Maya_Fib:** The think-tanks, Shao’s company, Zhao & Wu Inc? They’re doing a brain drain of all the PPDC scientists now that we’re folding.

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** you going corporate on me, My?

 **Maya_Fib:** our jobs are about to disappear from existence. I’m just thinking of next steps.

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** just because the jobs disappearing doesn’t mean the kaiju are! There’s so much more we don’t know, and that we can try. i can’t believe you’re giving up on this and me and being frickin’ rock stars of science

 **Maya_Fib:** I’m not giving up. I’m getting out. If I’m going to die, I want it to be at a job where I’m not constantly begging for funding or freezing my ass off.

 **Maya_Fib:** and I'm not giving up on _you._ Jesus, Newt, this was sex, I thought we agreed on that. You’re just panicking, getting nostalgic about something you’d forget about after three weeks in any other circumstance.

 **Maya_Fib:** Sorry I snapped, but it’s true.

 **Newt_G_In_The_Place_To_Be:** whatever. If i have to do this alone i’ll do it alone like always

 

**April 3rd, 2021**

Dear Karla,

Unlike yourself, I’ve been having difficulty with the bathing and leaving my bed aspects of living. I sleep only a few feet away from the lab (forever the joys of handicap housing), and I’ve done a lot of Breach calculations from my laptop. I can hear what’s left of the science division talking about me, about the program, in hushed tones. Maya left a bouquet of artificially grown peonies at my door, and that’s the last time I saw her.

Almost everyone in J-Tech and K-Science is taking this massive shuttering as a chance to jump ship, so burned out and tired of military rations we all are. An old classmate from TU phoned me to offer condolences and then ask if I'd like to interview for a position in their mathematics department. 

I didn't give him an answer. The mere thought of packing up my belongings and leaving this place overwhelmed me. 

And then today, just an hour after lunch, while I was sitting up in bed with a truly dreadful cup of tea, Newton burst into my quarters, still wearing blue stained rubber gloves. He was raving like a madman, about the PPDC shutting down, about the isolating nature of genius, about how sick he was of hitting a wall.

“I can’t stop, Hermann, okay? I don’t care if Maya and Raleigh Beckett and your dad and whoever all just lay down and take it, I’m not giving up until we fix this shit!”

He said _we_. He kept saying _we_. He said _we_ as, in a huff, he peeled off his gloves and threw them on the floor (where the kaiju blue sizzled on contact) and sat down hard on the edge of my mattress, sucking air harshly through his teeth.

“Don’t you flake out too, man,” he said shaking his head. “Don’t leave this all on me.”

He sat there, glasses knocked slightly askew, flushed red under the freckles that somehow stayed even with the lack of sunlight in Anchorage. I could feel the heat off his back against my leg, and in that moment an absurdly obvious thought took precedence in my head.

He’s always there.

I held this fact as an annoyance for so long, the way he flits around my shoulders like a bespectacled insect, how he follows me across the ocean and back again for years and years, always there when I looked across the room.

But it’s not an annoyance exclusively. I thought about how he looked after you after your accident. I thought about how he denounced Father’s Wall from second one, and how he always pushed for more funding, more attention for the science division when the whole world was screaming we should build a bomb and be done with it.

I thought about how he held my hand on the beach, when our family irreparably fractured.

All of this ran through my mind in less than a second. I leaned forward, my legs still under my blankets, and kissed him.

The stubble on his chin rubbed against my skin, and it felt much better than fine.

Newton’s hands ended up on my shoulders, and then light on my ribs, and then farther down than I’m comfortable discussing even with Vanessa, and only then did he pull away, his breathing somewhat leveled.

And he said, “so is that Hermann for, ‘no way am I leaving Newt, you and your scientific knowhow are going to save the world and I want to hold you bag while you do it?.'"

And I said, “do shut up, Newton.”

I lost my composure and buried my face in the nape of his neck, which is as lovely and warm as one would imagine. As I’ve always imagined. Newt laughed, but it wasn’t a malicious laugh. He kissed my shoulder and slid his hands up my t-shirt. I was suddenly very glad to be wearing pajamas at 1:30 in the afternoon.

We talked for a long time, through the afternoon and into the night. About the kaiju, about Marshall Pentecost’s plans and how they might take what’s left of us to Hong-Kong, of all places. We argued about what lab equipment should be considered essential in a move like that. We argued about why he names his kaiju entrails after rock stars instead of a professional labelling system. We argued about my completely innocuous and his completely heinous tastes in music.

And truth be told, for the most of the night, we didn’t do much talking at all.

Something tells me our arguing and nights like this will not be mutually exclusive.

I’m still so tired, Karla. I smell the ocean and it takes me a minute to remember why it hurts. But I have to keep going, Newton and I and Marshall Pentecost and anybody else who has something left to give must keep going.

You say that you stayed alive for me, that you couldn’t subject me to the alternative. I must continue for the same reason. I can't quit, I couldn't do that to you, or Vanessa, or Newt.

We may both suffer the indignity of being middle children, but you remain my only sister, and the person I strive most to make proud.

Hermann

 

**April 3rd, 2021**

**Filed Under: N. Geiszler, Untitled Drift Project**

Note to self: Um, Hermann Gottlieb has an _incredible tongue?_ And is super lean and pale under those sweaters?? And gives really spectacular head and then figuratively turns around and literally turns you around and fucks your impressive brains out? I need to tell someone about this? Should i email karla or is that too weird? It’s probably weird. counterpoint: everyone should know about this! This why that child therapist MIT made you see said you had poor social skills. telling tendo’s probably okay, right? or at least my tanks, david bowie would _definitely_ appreciate this. GOD i missed sex with men. and this man...oh my _god._

 

**April 20th, 2021**

H,

So. I got fired today.

I’ve never been fired before. There was that one time I was working as a waitress when I was sixteen and the restaurant shut down, but that was more a failure of business then me, personally, being kicked out of a system. I guess this is more of a general failure too, with 80% of the PPDC staff being let go. Although my tendency towards violence and accidentally concussing myself probably wouldn’t have earned me a promotion anyway.

I read your email, your gloriously blue, years overdue conquering of Fort Geiszler, and I dropped onto my hands and knees, crawled under my desk, and ripped the computer modem out of it's socket.

Then I walked out of my office without taking anything else with me. Nothing is a better momento than the last thing I read in that building. Nothing is ever going to top the story of you and Newt Geiszler.

I walked to the beach and kicked off my shoes. It’s funny, in all the years I’ve lived here in Shanghai I’ve never been down to the beach. I actually love the ocean, I always have. It’s why I went to grad school in San Francisco, it’s why I didn’t run inland like everyone else with a brain. I just can’t blame this on the water. I love it too much. I took off my PPDC badge and whipped it into the waves, a small tribute to everything the kaiju and us put that magnificent body of water through. _Here’s my blood, sweat and tears, here’s the lives I saved and the ones I couldn’t. All that I was, all that I am. Take it all and wash it clean._

I think I’ll stay in Shanghai, maybe tutor Chinese kids in English, maybe end up at one of the universities teaching linguistics. Who knows, maybe I’ll become a Dr. Gottlieb too and confuse everyone we know even further. Maybe in six months I’ll let the waves take me. Who knows.

I only know that you are going to fight until your heart gives out and the sun collapses in on itself. It’s probably the thing I love about you the most. Just promise me that you’re not going to let it break you down. Remember to breathe sometimes, let your shoulders down from your ears. Throw something nonbiodegradable in the ocean. Kiss that insane man who loves you.

This war is can feel all emcompassing, but it is not the only thing. Remember why you’re fighting it. So people like me, Vanessa - people like _you,_ can go home to their apartments at the end of it all, open a bottle of wine, and watch the sun come up.

Life is long, little one.

Karla

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) Eddie Aikau was a real, super cool guy, def look him up.  
> 2) Thank you to everyone who read, it was so much fun to write as a diversion while I'm working on my thesis. Your kind words in the reviews made me cry. I may write more in this universe in the future just because I love the Gottliebs and Newt to death.  
> 3) I'm hgedits on tumblr, you can connect to my main from there if you're into that noise.


End file.
